Troubled Waters–Where’s My Friggin’ Bridge??

February 26 2012; 1515

Hey Gang! Welcome to my life. Where anything is possible and nothing is as it seems. I’m Freedom and I’ll be your host, coming at you from within…

The Depths of Geistopiaaaaaaaaaa

Velcum to my Life ees a prochect, un experiment een Life unt ART, A liwing storyboard, if you vill. Eet’s premise ees zat you can, and do, experience za life you choose. Eet ees based on za Veel of Life unt za ARTs for za New Millennium as life building tools. Ya. Eet’s true.

Welcome to my Life is an ITV Studios/Geist…House production. JustUs Productions, the parent company, would like to give a ‘Shout-Out’ to the following for their ongoing, and oft times unknowing, inspiration and support:

Princess Cuddlebug

Princess Sunshine

Craze & Co.

The Shaman

The Pillar

The Entire Putt-Putt-Putter Clan

FaeriePrincess

G-Man

Berton

The Baker of the Cornbread

The VanMan (may he R.I.P.)

The Messengers of the Galactic Federation

Osteen, the Son

The Sitter

The WhiteRose

The Fallen Angel

Punky Brewster

Sir Thomas

Jojo Dancer

Mr. NiceGuy

Senior Swankypants

Da Boyz from da Hood

The Witch Dr.

The ‘Original’ Mr. Baggins

The Socialite

B-Lo

The WhiteGurl

Sweet Felicity

Reds

LisaLisa Monet

The Ziatonic Antagonist

Otto

Prof. Siggy Chong

Pasturizer

The Piz-Nifer

Dancing Queen

Downtown Donny Brown

Mama Rabbit

And, of course, a very generous sponsor who pretends to want to be anonymous.

(*Semi-Legal mumbo-jumbo jargon fine print – my thoughts, my words. Bug off if you think you theivin’ them.*)

It is Sunday, February 26, 2012. Time….Re-Debilitating.

What a very strange week.

It seems I start each week with words similar to those. But, that is precisely what it has been. In the beginning of the week I was large and in charge – ready to rock n’ roll. The end of the week finds me fighting my way back from whence I had escaped in the first place.

Or am I finding my way back to it?

I made a sad discovery this week. It seems my post from two weeks ago – Transformer More Than Meets The Eye has disappeared – been deleted, if you will. I believe I know what the problem was and it should not happen again. however, the post is gone. I find it sad because it was well written. It was one of my favorite writings in quite a while, but more importantly, it was all about her. And, just now I realized that it also introduced all of the wonderful characters you are about to encounter.

But now, on with this week’s “show.”

Baby Mama Drama – The Teaser

It seems the meeting is being delayed – perhaps this Thursday. However, I took the girls to church today and spoke with the pastor for a bit. All I can say is – oh this is going to be interesting.

The More You Earn – The More You Spend

This was a hard lesson for me – not to learn, but to experience. I have heard it said many times, but have never had the misfortune to live it.

However, two Fridays ago was a payday. I had managed to make quite a bit more in that pay period than I have in quite some time. In fact, it was about double the income to which I have adjusted my life. It was coming at a time when I most needed it as well.

It is that time of the year, as well as that time of the month, and I have inspection and registration and insurance all due this coming week. Not to mention the regular financial hullabaloo that goes on at this time of month.

Please Note: These things are all due at the end of the week and, currently, I have so little of that money left that it is just as good to say I have none. I’m not entirely certain what happened to it all. I mean, I have a notion, but I can’t imagine how that accounts for all of it.

There was last weekend. That took up a fairly large portion of things.

Then there was the weekly what-not's.

And, of course, there was Wednesday. Oh sweet Wednesday. Let’s leave Wednesday at this – I do not know how much cash I had when I walked into the first bar, but I am certain I had none when I walked out of the second.

If there was excessive, unnecessary expenditure this past week I would put it on Wednesday. But that’s just me. What do I know?

You see, last weekend was all things that were pre-promised. Commitments and callings. Granted, I didn’t know ahead of time that those things would cost what they did. Hindsight is 20/20 and all of that.

But, Wednesday. Did Wednesday really have a purpose? I mean, was it worth blowing a wad of money over?

Only time will tell, I suppose.

Besides…there’s no sense crying over burnt cash.

“Hey :- )”

An innocent enough way to break the ice. Or, so I thought.

I had waited. I had waited and waited and waited. I had waited until I couldn’t wait any longer. I thought I would burst.

Tuesday had come. Almost a week had passed. Finally, it was time.

First contact.

My reason (my excuse) was a fairly simple one – still going out tomorrow night?

Hey how r u :)

“Good and u?”

Pretty good. Work…is crazy… :) will we c u @ lees tm nite??

(Damn! This girl is beating me to the punch at every turn…I feel like the woman….)

“I’m sure. Certainly didn’t mean to disrupt that groove. And u will. In fact, I was texting to find out if I would see you :P”

Great cant wait :) another friend of ours will hopefully b there 2 wed love 4 her 2 get 2 meet u! n well do our best not to get kicked out this time :P

“Lookin forward to it myself. Hey…if we get kicked out we just go someplace better :P”

Haha that’s the spirit!!!

“Well then, to tomorrow night, Miss.”

Great cya then :) have a great day

Sounds pretty good doesn’t it? Promising. Don’t be fooled. (I was.)

Tuesday raced by as Wednesday encroached. The beating of my heart increasing with every tic of the clock. I could feel the heat rising in my veins once more. I was going to get another “hit”. My Felicity Fix, if you will.

As the evening neared, I realized I had never asked her what time they had planned on going. I thought about texting her to ask, but then decided that would be overkill. Instead, I would just plan on getting there around 7:30. I figured they usually come a little later so this should be a safe and practical time. Not too early – I don’t seem overanxious. And, not too late – I’m certainly not detached.

The time came to do the deed and face the fates. As I was finishing my shower and getting ready to go…

Hey! were @ lees if ud like to join us :)

“I’ll b leaving shortly ;)”

Cya soon!

The butterflies set in. In fact, I can feel them again now just recalling the anticipation of the night.

I arrived and they were back getting their nails done. She looked beautiful. And, you know…I never told her that. It was actually very difficult to speak to her that night. For a combination of reasons.

First, and let’s face it, I was out of my league. What the hell was I doing sitting there? How did I think this could possibly lead anywhere?

Then, of course, there was the new friend, for now “The Newbie”, who wanted to get read. And, Reds was still having difficulties with the hubby. So these conversations seemed to dominate the evening.

Also, she had her nose in her phone, texting, all night. I had even sent her a text playfully telling her to come out of the phone and back to us. (Certainly not in those words.)

Of course, don’t forget my…shyness.

Things were not looking good. Not at all.

But, such is life. I did a reading and made someone happy. And, we were all helping Reds by giving her an outlet.

At one point we were left alone at the table. Just the two of us. One on one. This was it. This was my moment. Now was the time to let her know, somehow, that I wanted to know her. At first, we chatted a bit about the scandal being tossed around the table. Understandable, it was the predominant conversation of the night.

But, I took a moment, I took a leap. I busted through that line of conversation, brazenly and boldly…

“I want to know more about you.”

And…that conversation fizzled out as quickly as I had sparked it and before I knew it we were back on the last track.

(Shot down!)

And it wouldn’t be too much longer before we were no longer alone.

The night rolls on. The drinks come…and go. She stayed in her phone for most of it. At one point we changed tables, so the staff could close up the room we had been in. It was here I was able to steal one more moment.

We had all been sitting and chatting for a while. I’m not sure what motivated me or how I determined it was time, but I pushed forward. I used her freshly painted nails as an excuse. She had shown them to me earlier. there were little butterflies on them. I had asked to see them under the better light. She gave me her hand and I looked. As I looked we talked. Then we talked some more. And some more. As we talked I realized that her fingers were still laid across mine, lingering. And, as we talked, and her soft fingers laid gently against mine I found myself counting the moments. It was quite a while, but not nearly long enough. And, before I knew it we are leaving Lee’s and going…somewhere.

Would I drive them?

Will you dance?

I don’t dance, but….yes. Yes, I would definitely dance with her. However, she wanted to pick up her car to be sure she got home at a decent time. So, I took them to Reds’ to get the car and then she followed me and Reds to the next hole.

On the first trip, Reds sat in the back leaving Felicity up front with me. Then, when she got out, Reds climbed up front with me. The conversation from point B to point C…is not really printable.

Reds was in rare form again and she had no problem letting it be known. In fact, several times on the drive, she informed me that I could quite possibly be the gentleman to, umm…help her out before the night was through. I said nothing. I just drove.

We parked the car and Reds called her husband with some tale or another about where she was and what she was doing. Then we set off. They walked along gibbering and jabbering the way the female of the species tends to do. They were so engaged in their conversation that they hadn’t even noticed that I had fallen a full block behind them.

What can I say? Something grabbed my attention. There was a conversation to be had, a moment to be marked. (It’s how my life rolls…right DancingQueen?)

I gave Reds her ID and off they went inside. I, of course, was distracted once more, chitting and chatting – spreading cheer the way I do. It was momentary though, but a brief flash in this night of fire.

By the time I had stepped my foot inside Reds had found her toy for the moment and was running off to…somewhere. And, Felicity had settled in against the wall, fingers flying as she played the texting sonata.

So, I headed to the bar. What else was there to do? I got a shot, milled around the dance floor for a bit, talked to some good gentlemen and begged the DJ to play something that would get people off the wall and onto the floor. Then…I headed to the OTHER bar.

At last, we were to meet again. Felicity phone free and Reds still being tailed by that poor little puppy dog – tongue wagging and all.

TO THE DANCE FLOOR, MATTMAN!!!

(Whiskers!!)

We sallied forth, they in the lead and I tailing behind, carrying someone’s drink besides my own. I set the cups down and when I turned, there she was. I tell you, friends, time stopped once more. It was like a movie in my mind – spot lighted, slow motion, music reverberating. A movie that is still captured there today and ready to be replayed anytime I choose, any time I would like to feel the pain once more.

The pain, you ask. Oh yes, Dear Readers, the night definitely gets better. But I’m getting ahead of myself, because for one – well two – brief moment(s) the night did actually get better.

I set the drinks down and turned to see her, finally relaxed into the night and enjoying herself – setting her spirit free. She was beautiful. She was radiant.

I watched. I don’t know for how long. I was caught in such a vortex all night. It was like I had stepped out of my life and into…something else. But, I watched her. Oh, the thoughts. The thoughts that whirled through my mind. The feelings in my body.

And they weren’t sexual. They were…they were…something else. I don’t know the word. I’m not intelligent enough to know the right word for it.

And, I watched.

I was entranced. I was captured. And, before long, I would succumb to the Siren’s song…and I would dance.

Soon, before I even knew what was happening, she was against me. Our bodies moving, pressed together. My hands slid to her hips…and even sooner than it had begun, it had ended.

Onward.

Another moment.

Reds was dancing with the flavor of the night. He was behind her and soon, Felicity would be in front of her. And the next thing I know, Reds is pulling me in as well, and I would complete the line. Our bodies now pressed even closer than before. My face nuzzled into her neck. her hair brushing across my cheek.

And then….it was done.

…..

……

….

Time for another drink, I think.

When I returned, they were still dancing away. Felicity with someone new. And, like a commuter to a bad accident, I watched. And, I watched. And, I watched until I could bare to watch no longer.

She pressed her body to his, as she had to mine. Only longer. And as I watched, she turned to him and smiled. A bigger and brighter smile than I had been able to elicit all night long.

…..

…..

…..

I think I’m going to go the bar now.

Friends, I do not know how many drinks I had in the 45 minutes that were to follow. But, I sat there alone, unmissed as usual in my life, until I looked up from my cup (not that I could see anything, but still…) and found myself face to face with…The Husband, who was looking for his wife’s purse….which was apparently still in my van.

Oh shit!

The girls had already gone. Never a word. And I was left to deal with Jealous Joe. Not that he didn’t have plenty of reason to be upset – just not with me. I wasn’t the one touching his wife. I’m not sure what all was said, but I know the gist of it was, “Chill out. Love your wife.”

And, so the time would come when I would be asked to leave the second spot of the night. Not because of my behavior but because, once again, it was closing time. (How do you not go out drinking for years and the first time out manage to close two different bars???)

So, we left. I got him the purse and he disappeared. I found my phone, which I had left in the van and there were 4 calls from her. Not one message but four calls in a half an hour. Obviously, at 2:30 in the morning I wasn’t calling her back. So, I headed home.

I thought on things. I replayed everything from the first moment I met her until the moment I found myself alone at the bar finding solace once more at the bottom of a glass. (God, I thought those days were over.)

Here is my summation of this chapter of my life -

It is closed.

It is another fleeting moment added to the stockpile of fondest memories.

You will understand better in a few moments as you read about “the Day After.” But, even without that the chapter has been closed.

I told you all from day one that this was folly, foolishness. Dare I say, insanity. In many ways, I suppose, it truly was addiction. I knew how this would end and yet I couldn’t keep myself from following it. I set my own trap. Plotted my own demise.

I do not get the girl. I never get the girl. I’m not that guy. I play many roles, but I am most certainly never the hero of the story. I’m more like the sidekick. (The comedic, dopey one of course. )

I never get the girl. And I never win the prize. What I do is toil along hoping that through my efforts someone else will find the pot of gold at the end of their rainbow.

That is my place…and I should have kept it.

In retrospect, I would have been better to never have met her. Until there was her, I did not realize how miserable I was in my own life. How dead I was. And, it’s not as if she showed me that. It was quite the opposite. For a brief time she breathed life back into me. Everything was very different. The sun was brighter. The rain more refreshing. The nights more peaceful and any moment, any thing, could become inspiration.

She gave me hope. She gave me daydreams and she gave me something to look forward to…

(Sings.) She gives him something to believe in….

Was that really necessary?

Yes…I think it was.

Anyway, I realized, I had been missing these things all along. For as alive as I had thought I was, for as much as I thought I was in “my groove” I was nowhere close to these things. Until there was her. And now, the pain is just deeper.

In her presence I was able to forget my hideousness and my darkness. I would think on them and know them all the way to see her. But then when she was there I would forget. Only to be reminded once more when she would leave. I let my guard down around her. I can’t say it was by choice. It just seemed to happen. Which is interesting, because it was she, during that palm reading, that pointed out just how much on guard I have been in life.

It was always in the aftermath, once the withdrawal would set in, that the reality of “me” would strike so much harder. What was I thinking? What was I doing? How could I ever keep this up…for…who could ever love…a beast.?

But, fear not, Dear Readers, the Beast is retiring to his castle, never to bother the villagers again. He will live out his days alone, watching through a window up on high as life blossoms and people pass. But, he will not engage. You are safe once more.

Just don’t knock on his door….

California Dreamin’

As if this post isn’t already long enough, it is time to bring this up. I am putting it here to build a little bit of suspense. I figured there was no point in going from one part of your favorite story into the next. Why, then its just the same long story.

This is sort of the “short” in between, if you will.

Friends, there is one Quest left to take. Perhaps it is the Quest of Quests – the one all of the others have been leading up to.

Do I even need to say where it is to?

California hit my sights back in 2000, while I was in Santa Fe. I had wanted to go then, but commitments and callings prevented me from doing so. But I have never forgotten it and over the years the drive –no pun intended – has only gotten stronger.

Here’s what I know about this trip:

I must make it. This is not an option. My course is not set until this trip has been made.

I must make it this year. I feel like it needs to be soon, but I am not sure how that could happen.

I must go to San Diego. I feel a need to hit San Francisco.

It could take up to 6 weeks.

I must make the trip in this van…and it could be the last trip the van makes.

I may not come back.

The Day After

Of course, for me, The Day After begins almost immediately after. I picked up this notion long ago, working as a 3rd shift manager in a diner. The day changes at 3 AM. It’s true. I swear. It’s when the people are changing. At all other points in the day the clientele could have been anyone going anywhere to do anything. But, at about 3 AM there are only two types of people wandering in and out of a diner – those who are ending their nights at the bar and those who are preparing to face the day ahead. It is the transition.

So, on to The Day After….

I left the bar and headed home. I remember getting in the van and driving down the road a little way. Then, I remember waking up. (Kind of.)

Normally I would blame the missing chunk of time on the excessive amounts of alcohol consumed. However, this night, I am most certain that I was blinded and beguiled by a swell of emotions. I fell apart. I crumbled. It was as if I had been storing the pain up for two months and it was finally time to let it out. The inevitable had come.

God, what was I thinking….What were YOU thinking? Why would you do that? Why would you put that in front of me when you knew I would follow it? Of course I would follow it. Why? Because that’s what I do for you. “Ooh go here….Ooh go there…do this…or that.” I’m just a regular trained fucking animal for you. Then every so often you dangle a carrot in front of me, not to treat me but to get me to pull just one more fucking plough! You knew how this would end. You knew how I would react. You knew that if you put it in front of me I would have no choice but to pursue it. And, yet, you did it anyway! What is it? A game? A test? An experiment?

(Ape does not respond well to negative emotional stimulus….)

For the record, I have not let God speak to me since, but once Friday night and that led to a very bizarre, interesting, and somewhat frightening dream that I am not so sure we should get into at the present time.

But, back to the story…

(That is why you’re here after all. Isn’t it?)

By the time I had gotten home I had apparently received a text. It was a number I did not recognize. It asked what The Hubby had to say after the girls had left. My only response?

“And which of you is this?”

It was Reds. She said hubby came home and left almost immediately in a huff. I asked if she was ok and she said she wasn’t sure if she was ok but that he was so angry that she had lied and had been dancing with all those men. I, of course, told her that I couldn’t tell her anything that may or may have not happened because they had drifted out of my scope. I told her if she needed anything to let me know, but not before taking a moment to comment on them leaving without a goodbye.

I then took a moment, at 3:08 AM to text Felicity, “Well, good night. Perhaps I’ll see you in a couple of weeks. Peace.”

And, so time rolled on. And so did I …I rolled right on to the couch. And off it again, and back on and off and so on throughout the remainder of the dark hours and well into the lighted ones as well. Though I had been up and down, off and on, all morning it wasn’t until noon that I had actually managed to conquer the hangover and get to my day.

During one of my “up” intervals I managed to text Reds.

“U ok this morning?”

But not before I sent one to Felicity letting her know I hoped she had gotten home ok.

It was Reds that would text back. It would be many hours before I would hear from Felicity. And, I really rather would not have at that point.

Eh I am a lil hungover n I made The Hubby move out

How r u doin 2day

“A lil hungover. U made him move out huh? How’d that go?”

It was a lil crazy but it only took him a lil over an hour 2 leave he was so mad

“I’m sure he was. As long as ur ok :)”

“R the kids taking it easy on you today? lol”

I decided not 2 watch them ya know. Wit everything that happened last nite so I am all by myself :) n thinking bout watchin 1 of those movies I had just rented

“Well, u enjoy the quiet time. Did u hear from Felicity? How’s she doin today?”

An hour and a half later and I was just getting myself together to go work for the afternoon, when I found this text on my phone:

Hey idk if u would b interested but since I got the whole house 2 myself til 2morrow when my daughter comes back n since The Hubby moved out since we r on a break til….

I didn’t realize it at first but the text wasn’t entirely complete. Though, it didn’t need to be to see where this conversation was leading. I figured since we had been texting she may have been thinking of someone else, like the boy toy from two weeks ago, and texted me by mistake.

“I’m not sure if u meant to send that one to me or not. I feel like I’m missing part of it. Interested in….? lol”

…whenever we decide wuts goin 2 happen wit us I just thought if ur interested in coming over. 4 sum reason I have never liked being alone.

Oh, boy. This can’t be good. But, after t.he night before, how could I say I was surprised. I wasn’t really sure what to make of it. Of course, there was always the innocent explanation – she really just didn’t want to be alone. But why text me? Why not one of the boy toys? Why not Felicity?

Maybe it was the hangover. Perhaps it was the curiosity of it all. Mayhaps even it was the pain, swelling and filling my mind to a moment of non-clarity. I don’t know what it was exactly, but I decided to follow this through to it’s own natural end.

(Which is not the end you may be anticipating.)

Now let’s set it all straight, clear it all up before we move forward in this tale. Reds is hot. I mean Reds is really H-O-T! (In fact, I may rename her that – “RedsHot”) I cannot deny that, for a moment, I most certainly did entertain the possibilities. A lot of them! What man wouldn’t – for just a moment. What man couldn’t?

However, despite that moment (and anything that may be inferred from the texts that followed) I had absolutely no intention of sleeping with Reds that night. I wasn’t exactly sure what was going on, but I figured her head was still reeling from the previous events and she just wasn’t thinking straight. Maybe she was still a little drunk. Maybe she had taken too many of her scripted meds. Whatever it was, I figured she just needed someone there and better me – who wouldn’t sleep with her – than a boy toy – who would. And, there’s just no turning back from that.

But anyway…

(Disclaimer out of the way…)

“When did you want me to come over? I’m on my way [out of town] for some work now”

Idk when works 4 u? N I am gonna b up front with u cuz idk if u picked this up from me during our sessions but I am a very sexual girl…

(Gee. I hadn’t noticed.)

…n I have never beat around the bush bout things like this. N ever since 2 months ago The Hubby almost stopped having sex with me…

“I can come by when I’m done working…or a lil later. I’ll text you when I’m getting close to done.”

…idk if he was doin sum1else like he did 2 years ago or if I just aint hot to men ne more or if he thinks I aint good in bed ne more so I have been dying up from all this sexual frustration haha.

“Well, I don’t think you have to worry about not being hot to men ;) Ill hit u up when I’m done work.”

…This was a little odd, but hey, whatever…right? Just take it as it comes….

Wow now I really feel embarrassed! Sorry 2 just drop all that on you

(Don’t worry…I’ve dealt with crazy girls before…)

“Don’t be…it’s all good :P”

Please don’t tell [Felicity] wut I told u. N would u consider me a whore 4 having sex wit sum1 other than The Hubby so soon?

“Take today and relax. Soak in a tub if you can. I’ll txt u later…of course I won’t tell her. And no I wouldn’t

(Who am I to judge?)

K cuz I aint sayin its def goin to happen…

(Really? Cause it certainly sounded like you just did…)

…but you never know where the night can take us :-> so would u bring protection?

“Of course”

Ok cant wait. I was unsure if u were even gonna ok with everything I text u since u did [Hubby] the dbag. LoL

That don’t matter rite? :-/

“Like I said…all good. I’ll c u 2nite”

“:-)”

Kk.

My oh my oh my. I can only imagine what is running through your mind or what you must be thinking of me. After all, what was I thinking? Is this really the way I want to go out of this completely?

Sure. Why the hell not? It’s not like I really have anything to lose…

(Sings.) Freedom’s just another word for something left to lose…

Will you knock that off?

Nussin’, don’t mean nussin’ if it ain’t free, no no…

Don’t you start! Now where was I?

In a shit load of trouble…

Riiiiight.

So, that’s where things left off for awhile and the day trudged on. Me taking hangover naps between each job. (it really was a rough one.) RedsHot had gone silent and it was pushing 7 hours without a word from Felicity. That’s ok. She did have work after all, right?

Finally…

hey sorry for all the craziness last nite n anything that may have been sent 2day. It would b best to just ignore it. Thx

(Oh, but curiosity killed the Matt…)

“Um ok. Is something going on that I am unaware of?”

“And how r u? U disappeared last night. I know u tried to call but my phone was in the van when u left. “

No answer. And…did you notice? No smileys. not a single exclamation point. Something’s definitely different.

Less than an hour later I would find out what…

Oh this oughta be good

Would you like some popcorn?

Actually…I think I might…

(Freedom just looks at him.)

Sorry.

O my god I am so sorry none of those texts were from me. Me n [Hubby] got in a huge argument this morning n he took my phone n left. He was pretending to be me!

(Go ahead…say it with me….Awwwwww SHIIIIIIIT!)

“I figured”

Not really, but I did have my suspicions at one point.

He has done this b4 n now he thinks u want to fuck me

(Well, that’s his own dumb fault.)

“Haha…sorry bout that. R u ok?

So sorry he is crazy

I will b

“Reds…don’t worry about it. As long as I didn’t get u into too much trouble…and please ignore my responses from earlier”

“I couldn’t have slept with you anyway :-P”

Which is actually quite true. Obviously. She’s married. Though I will not lie to you. With the state of mind I was in, given the opportunity, I could have probably pushed past the fact that she was married. But there was something else that I could not ignore. Something that I couldn’t get around – not even in the depths of my own twisted mind – she’s the friend of the woman I want. You talk about no coming back from that – oh sheesh!

“If u need anything let me know.”

K.

I prolly wouldn’t hit me up on my phone ne more tho sorry again.

Wooooooooooow.

Well, time to seal the deal…

(But…satisfaction brought him back…)

“Hey…what’s goin on?”

I don’t know what ur plans were for 2nite but it would prob b a rly good idea not 2 txt [RedHot]’s phone anymore. Just ignore it.

“I didn’t have any plans for tonight…”

(Not that that mattered now.)

“…[RedsHot] already txted me and told me. But I was asking about u. :-)”

No response. Nothing for a good 30 minutes or so. It was over. Without even a chance to begin, it had come to an end. Desperation set in and I did, what is probably, the dumbest thing I have ever done in my life. I actually tried to save it.

(HA!)

One last ditch effort to salvage it…

“Hey. I’m leaving [Out of town]…u wouldn’t be available for a cup of coffee, would u?”

(Yeah…I did.)

No I cant but thnx anyway

(Yeah. I didn’t think so.)

“Yup.”

“Perhaps another time. Have a good weekend :-)”

U 2 ttyl

(No you won’t. But, thanks anyway.)

Like I said…

C-L-O-S-E-D.

Ask & Ye Shall Receive…But…Be Careful What You Wish For

There is no doubt that I brought this entire thing upon myself. Not just through my idiocy but there was something deeper that manifested this most recent frenzied folly.

It’s time to fess up, folks.

A few months ago I began to feel lonely. How could I not feel lonely? (And for that matter – how did it take so long to figure it out?) I have my daughters. I love them and when they are here life is wonderful. They lift me up. But they are here so briefly.

I have friends, but no one that I really hang and chill with. Don’t misunderstand me. I do not for one moment doubt the love and support of my current friends. It doesn’t matter how long between visits, when we are needed we are there for each other.

I have a large family, of which I am not a part. I have cousins I barely know and my own sisters can walk right past me and never so much as whisper, “Hello.” (I know. It just happened Saturday.)

I live in a house with people, who also, can walk right past me and never acknowledge I am there. (Cellophane. Mr. Cellophane…) Well, now there’s a theme I didn’t need pointed out. Thank you very much.

I think the dynamics of the house are best summarized in this – The family eats dinner together about 3 times a week. I am not invited to the dinner table. However, an hour later when all are finished and returned to the respective chairs and everything has been cleaned up, I am offered my pick of what is left.

Like the N****r in the corner.

(I would have just gone ahead and typed the word, but I figured that would offend enough people for now.)

But, there is no better association to give it. And so…loneliness set in. I tasted desire. I “wished” for someone. Someone with whom I could share, confide, express…be. This is something I didn’t have even when I was with Mama. So, it has been a very long time since I have felt that kind of connection with another.

Except one.

I do not care what your beliefs are on life, existence, the universe, god or the goddess…or other gods. There is something there. Some energy, some force that flows through all. The One True Spirit. It has never let me down. No matter how confused or frustrated or even ired I find myself with T.O.T.S. it has never truly let me down.

(It’s left me hanging a few times. but, it’s never let me down.)

But this ethereal relationship, it seems, had become less than enough. And, loneliness ensued.

It wasn’t just the personal connection I was desiring, but I found myself wanting the physical as well. Not sex, but the holding of a hand, the brushing of a cheek. A soft smile to gaze upon at the end of a long day.

(The sex is good too though…)

Amen, Brother!

(Sings.) I zmell zex unt…caaaandy

Alright! That’s enough out of the Peanut Gallery.

Yet, I resolved a long time ago that these things were not to be mine.

(Aye, there’s the rub!)

Shhhh….

I had accepted this notion, embraced it. After all, I am the king of lost loves and those never known. And, the thing is, I wasn’t upset by it. I was totally ok with it. First, I had known this a long time ago. Proclaimed it aloud long before I was old enough to understand what my life would be. I figure I lived my life. I lived and I loved. And, I loved deeply…many times.

And you’re gonna get the list.

I can’t look at anything before 1996. ‘96 is when Sister Death had visited. It was a brief visit. Little did I know then that she would return in ‘98 to finish the job. So in ‘96 all of life changes. Everything is different…and I soon will be. So, it is ‘96 I can begin counting the real ‘True Loves’ of my life…

(Sings.) To all the girls…

Do not even finish that!

It’s just too easy, man.

The first came late in ‘96, but we wouldn’t really get to know each other until well into ‘97. She was the secret one. She was the one no one really knew about. People knew. She knew. But no one REALLY knew.

Dar-Dar was one of those girls that could light up a room just by walking past it. Her Spirit was on fire. I cherished, and relished in, every moment – every night out, or in; every phone call; every day at work.

I would have done anything for Dar-Dar.

We were never an item. We were just a good team for a couple of years – always by each other’s sides through the best and the worst. And there was plenty of both. But, the truth is, I have not passed through one single relationship since then that I have not thought back on Dar-Dar. More often than any would care to know I would wonder just what would have happened if I would have tried…just tried…to not let her slip through my fingers.

So many of them have gotten jealous over so many of the others and never a one of them knew the deep dark truth of where my heart truly was. In fact, I have no doubt that if Dar-Dar walked back into my life today I would drop everything for her.

Then there was Ny – the lobster of all lobsters. Or, at least she one day would be. Just not mine. Ny came along in and around Dar-Dar. (And they didn’t like each other one bit.)

Ny and I were dangerous for each other. There was no good that was ever going to come out of that relationship. But…I loved her. I did. As bad as it was – as bad as I knew it was – I so enjoyed my time with Ny.

We were never really an official thing either. But our relationship definitely crossed lines that Dar-Dar and I had never dared approach. There were many a long night of conversation and companionship. We were there for each other at a time when each of us needed another. When that time was done, so we were as well.

These two managed to carry me through ‘98 where my Loves would take a rather interesting, yet bizarre side trip. ‘98 would bring a visit to the past for a Love of a prior life.

The Philadelphian and I had known each other for a long time. We had always been close, from the day we met. And, a few times we skirted our feelings for each other. One of the most famous moments in our history was when we had been caught in a tense time. I’m not exactly sure what had happened any more but emotions were flared and we had been very evasive of each other. The catch is we were doing a one act together at the time – hers, in fact.

The night of the performance everyone sat on the edge of their seat – on the video you can actually hear them catch their breath – in anticipation of…The Kiss.

A quest in ‘98 brought me to stay with The Philadelphian for a few days. And not in Philadelphia, interestingly enough. It was during this stay that we did only what we should have done years before. But, she was with someone at the time. Another fleeting moment. Another very fond memory. Besides, there was Ny…and, Dar-Dar. but, no one knew about Dar-Dar. (Really.)

Shortly after I returned from that trip Ny was gone. I chased her off in the most romantic of ways…

I proposed.

After that, my life had returned to its preferred state of solitude. There was nothing for quite some time. Perhaps a drift here or a fling there. In fact, I can recall a particularly fun night in Northern Jersey.

(Tee-Hee.)

Enter, Her Jenniness.

Oh, this girl.

Her Jenniness was a Goddess. And this, I would swear to. She took me to worlds I had never conceived and reminded me of those I had forgotten. The magick was so strong in her that when together we projected a veil around us that was impenetrable. Her Jenniness taught me so much about life, about myself, and yes…even about love.

Although, it’s only fair to tell you at this point that Her Jenniness was also my first Lesbian Love.

Yup.

That’s what I said.

(And then I was stupid enough to do it twice!)

Her Jenniness, as humoring as she was with the notion, was not ever going to be interested. At least, not beyond the one kiss she allowed me to steal. That one fleeting, deadly kiss of the Pan.

And then, she would leave to return to her Faery Realm.

The next two happen so close to each other it’s hard to tell which came first…

The chicken…

Excuse me.

No…the egg…

Don’t you have someplace to be?

It’s your head. You tell me.

I will begin with The Sister in That House. She was the brief and fleeting one of the two. Mostly because she happened to be…my second Lesbian Love.

(What can I say? It was a phase.)

The Sister in That House was intelligent, talented, beautiful, demure and such an absolute delight to be around. It was she that dubbed me with my favorite tagline – Just a guy dopin’ along. Yup. That’s me. That’s what I do best.

But, she too, would never see me like that. Though I believe, if I had tried, I could have stolen that same Neverland kiss.

And then there was DancingQueen. DancingQueen was, without a doubt, the absolute best relationship I have had in my life. We were so good together. When we were on, we were really on. But, sadly. as made for each other as we may have been we were not ready for each other. She had so much of herself to discover – and still is – and I…well…I was about to take a walk on the dark side of Wonderland. The place Alice never told us she went.

It took us some time but we inevitably found so many weak excuses to tear it apart and let it disintegrate. It was I that ended that relationship, though I cannot say exactly what my reason was. I was hurt by that loss. But, I buried it in projects and endeavors. But, when those crashed and burned I…Well, I tumbled a very long way down.

It was The Den Mother that had lifted me up. I will never know what it was that attracted her to me or how we ended up where we did. It was…Nirvanic. (I like to make words up.) A dream from which I didn’t want to, but inevitably would, awake. And this is no understatement. The Den Mother’s is probably the briefest of these relationships but it was so surreal. It was transformative. The Den Mother helped put me back together and she never knew it. The Den Mother was the first woman – the first – to not only make me feel like a man, but to actually bring him out as well.

When I wanted her…

I went and had her.

In a way, The Den Mother was the culmination of all those that had come before her.

She had let me steal the kiss…more than once.

We did what we needed to do, when it was time to do it, and didn’t wait too many years.

And…she was dangerous for me. She not only released the man in me but the Beast as well. The Beast had been there, so wild, for so many years. It was DancingQueen that had tamed him. And, that break-up had…subdued him.

But, The Den Mother stirred something so deep that she had wrestled him free from his slumbering prison.

The Beast is a wonderful creature – exhilarating, daring, dynamic. When the Beast is risen the senses are heightened. All the senses. Think of rollin’ on E…and then some. The Beast is powerful. He has led me through many awesome adventures. And, just as many horrific deaths. For, The Beast is just as dangerous as he is alluring.

The Beast is that raw, untethered, animalistic nature in each of us. He is the spark that lights the flame to our souls. The Beast is not thought. It is instinct. The Beast is that desire, that drive we know but never understand, to be…to have…to do. To know ourselves fully, we must first come to know The Beast. But, we can never give him control for he will burn us up from the inside out.

So further down the rabbit hole doth The Den Mother hurl me. It is here we meet Mama Rabbit.

Mama will never know how much I adored her. I’m not even sure I realized how much until my mother’s sister had turned to me, during some random, obscure visit or another, and said, “When you look at her it’s easy to see how much you love her.”

The eyes are the window to the soul I suppose.

Mama was always so jealous of The Den Mother – long after she had returned to the shadows. At this point in ‘My-story’ I was on a CD kick. I had a fascination with telling stories through Compilation CDs. I have an entire set actually. Well, almost an entire set. And, what a story they do tell – individually and as a group. It wasn’t until years later that I realized just how much of my soul each CD had captured.

It is not a set because The Den Mother had inspired quite a few of those CDs herself. Mama did not care for this too much and demanded they be removed from the collection. Not just removed, but destroyed. I tried to explain to her the point to the CDs, the magick of them. I tried to help her understand the role Den Mother had played in my life.

If not for The Den mother, Mama and I could have never gotten together. As I said, The Den Mother released the man in me. She put the chase into me and my sights were set on Mama. My sights were set on Mama long before The Den mother had really entered the picture. So I set to the chase. Something I don’t ever do, and would have never done, without The Den Mother.

(Though to be perfectly honest it was Mama who would break through the real ice.)

The most fascinating part of the story, to me, is the music. Mama was so adamant about destroying those discs. I could never get her to understand that they were there to remind me of everything I had learned. Everything that had let me be with her in the first place. She wouldn’t hear of it. So, they were destroyed.

But there was something Mama had never seemed to understand, or perhaps never knew. maybe I keep too many secrets - treasured trinkets tucked tightly away in my own personal Pandora’s Box.

Mama had a CD. It was made for her before we were together – when were just friends hanging out. At that time, I was making a CD for everyone. LOL. But, her CD changed. One song. One song didn’t belong and on our first real outing – not as a couple – it had found its replacement.

I will never forget that day – that vision. I had turned the corner and there she was, stretched up on her toes, reaching for a book up high. And, in that one brief moment she had completely encapsulated a song that had long been waiting for a home. It is, by far, my favorite Jimmy Buffet song, if not my overall favorite – Love in the Library.

I not only would have given my life for Mama, I did. I had completely put aside everything I was at the time. Everything. The list is way too long to get into here. I pushed my life, my path, aside and tried to mold myself into one that just didn’t fit. And, in the end, she would rip my heart out. I cried for a year.

That was a little over three years ago.

Since then there has been nothing. No spark. There has not been a single fling nor even a drift. Over time, the reasons have varied – no interest, no drive, or just settling into the reality that it is better to accept what is instead of aching over what may never be.

I was good with this. It was acceptable.

Come the 9th – Sweet Felicity. Sweet, Sweet Felicity.

Oh what hast thou done to me?

There have been those along the way that have grabbed me for a moment or two. But there have been none that could keep me – even if they had wanted to. Any one of those women I encountered I could take them or leave them.

It’s all very, “Eh.”

“Like…watev!”

But, this one. This one has captured me. She has stricken me deeper than any of the others – mayhaps even Dar-Dar. I will never be the same for having met her.

She has destroyed me in the most exquisite manner. She has filled me with passions I haven’t tasted in so long and has left me with no place to go with them. Leaving them to slowly gnaw away at me from the inside – killing the very spirit that feeds them.

She has awakened and riled The Beast.

But she also, for a very brief time, revived The Man.

I have picked up so many nervous tics since she has entered my reality. But only when dealing with thoughts of her. I wrench my hands. I rock. I pull myself tight against my own body and wring at whatever skin I can latch onto.

The knots are so tight that I feel as if someone is punching my gut – from the inside.

Oh, Sweet Felicity, what hast thou done to me?

I wished for it. I had it. I felt the touch and gazed the eyes. But, the Jinn neglected to tell me I could have it but not keep it.

(Tricky Jinn)

It’s All In The Timing

But Who’s timing is it?

I thought this might be a good moment for The Rev to appear. Things like this are more up his alley anyway.

If timing is everything than what the hell is going on in my life right now? I understand the money thing. The timing of that is so understandable. I have been working for a long time on breaking that paradigm – to move from poverty consciousness to abundance consciousness. Sometimes on that road, the further you push through a paradigm the further away you feel from it.

Part of abundance consciousness is just allowing “the flow.” Let it come in. Let it go out. Naturally, freely. You must know that the supply is endless.

Just because you can not see the source of the river does not mean it does not flow.

Also, my newest challenge in this personal quest has been doing what needs to be done when it needs to be done. Much like last weekend and yes even Wednesday. I have a tendency to put things off until “the next paycheck.” That paycheck never seems to come.

So, challenging myself over the last two weeks seems aptly appropriate.

We will see what happens. There is always potential for possibility. I have looked through my week and…maybe I can make it work. I mean, I’m sure I can squeeze it by. I always do. I was just hoping for a little bit more this time around.

There is always some spring untapped. There are some pays still out there. Projects that when finished will generate income and then there is Wednesday.

(Suddenly “Wednesday” is beginning to sound a lot like Marc Antony’s scathing praise – And Brutus is an honorable man.)

I know my life is shifting. (God, when isn’t it? lol.) The Pil-Man’s been setting me up for it. I’ve been watching it happen. There is a shift on the horizon. Something big I fear. (In a good way.)

I’ve been feeling it over the past several weeks as I mill around taking care of the mundane business of life. Every so often it reveals itself to me – twinkling in the corner or lingering in a shadow. Whispering in my ear at night. I know the patterns to look for and they are all forming. And I have realized that I am not waiting on the change. It is waiting on me.

Perhaps that has been the purpose behind Felicity.

As I have stated, she has awakened something in me – stirred The Beast. At first I wasn’t sure. Perhaps he was just tossing and turning a bit through his hibernation. But them it slowly became clearer as my being began to transform. Energies were becoming stronger. My walk, my whole posture and body, were taking different strides and forms. I was not entirely certain until the Panther showed up. On more than one occasion.

Rituals were occurring more regularly and Devotions had become more intense.

Then, after the events of this week, something very strange began to happen. It seemed that the angrier I became – the more frustrated – the deeper I felt the pain, the more the love would pour from me.

On Friday, my energy was so intense I could feel it trailing behind me and cloaking everything in its wake. I was walking straighter, more direct. My steps were softer, but more powerful. There was a focus in my eyes and a clarity in my vision. I was in a state of being that I haven’t been in for a very long time.

And, I found, that the more I would replay the week and slice at my soul, that as I cut deeper and deeper more and more love would spill.

Suddenly, I remembered that this was where I was meant to be. It was what I had been chasing all along. I had known it once before and those days were both awesome and atrocious. So much power and so little purpose.

But this was my purpose. The one I had seen that night so many years ago. The one I had seen again in the days that followed this week’s disaster. I know now, or rather understand….

Hmmm.

Neither of those is right. Both are so arrogant…so very human. Normally, I would have just backspaced and begun again. However, I wanted you to experience the moment with me.

I do not know. We do not ever really know. For everything we know, there is something we do not. And, no matter what we know, our understanding – in the Divine Scheme of things – will always be limited and short-sighted. This is not a dig nor an insult at mankind’s potential. This is merely a statement of reality. The universe and its existence are vast. So often I feel as though we believe we are close to mastering it and I wonder if we have ever realized that we are only scratching the surface. And, look how long that took us.

And yet, what other words are there?

I guess we’ll just stick with – The times they are a changin’ my friends.

It’s this “knowing” that has brought the final quest to the forefront. It is what I must do. It’s actually the perfect example of what I am saying.

I “know” I must go. I do not “know” why. I know it must be this year. I do not “know” when. I “know” where it must begin. But I do not “know” where or how it will end.

But, how do I know these things, you ask?

Because California has been the answer to every question for over a year. But, I have found every excuse I could to ignore it. But, as my spirit shifted this week it became clearer that if I wish to end this journey once and for all I must…Go West, young man!

None of this would have been realized without Felicity. Perhaps that was the point to it all. Perhaps I needed my focus and my vision back and the only way to do that was to cut me deeper than ever before.

I tell clients all the time, “If you know there is somewhere you must go, or something you must do, do not hesitate. Do not wait for The universe to put you there or get you to do it.”

It’s not a very pleasant experience.

As for Felicity, well, I think we can all agree that is done. I do not expect to see, nor hear from, her again. Things will come and things will go my friends. The pain it has caused I will embrace. It is my motivation, my catalyst for change and transformation. It is the reminder of who I am and why I am here.

I will continue to slice at my soul, cutting as deeply as I can, until all the love has been spilt and there is nothing left to give.

I will follow ‘The Call’ and do ‘The Deed’ whenever it comes and it is time. I will dedicate and devote and I will serve.

But…

I will never make that mistake again.

I may play and prey from time to time. In fact, I already have my sights set on one and have baited the first trap. I will romp and frolic and whisk away to worlds of excitement and ecstasy. But that is it.

The walls have been fortified and the windows now shaded. No one will enter again.

It’s just not how it was meant to be.

From here in Geistopia, for now and for always, I am your beloved Rev. wishing you…

Love

Light

Peace

and Freakishness.