Another Week, Another Wrinkle

Hey Gang!

Welcome to my life…

Where anything is possible and nothing is as it seems. I’m Freedom and I’ll be your host, coming at you from within…

The Depths of Geistopiaaaaaaaaaa

Velcum to my Life ees a prochect, un experiment een Life unt ART, A liwing storyboard, if you vill. Eet’s premise ees zat you can, and do, experience za life you choose. Eet ees based on za Veel of Life unt za ARTs for za New Millennium as life building tools. Ya. Eet’s true.

Welcome to my Life is an ITV Studios/Geist…House production. JustUs Productions, the parent company, would like to give a ‘Shout-Out’ to the following for their ongoing, and oft times unknowing, inspiration and support:

Princess Cuddlebug

Princess Sunshine

Craze & Co.

The Shaman

The Pillar

The Entire Putt-Putt-Putter Clan

FaeriePrincess

Berton

The Baker of the Cornbread

The VanMan (may he R.I.P.)

The Messengers of the Galactic Federation

Osteen, the Son

The Sitter

The WhiteRose

The Fallen Angel

CH-Eckhart

Sir Thomas

Jojo Dancer

Mr. NiceGuy

Senior Swankypants

Jethro

Da Boyz from da Hood

The Witch Dr.

The ‘Original’ Mr. Baggins (and His Wife)

The Socialite

B-Lo

The WhiteGurl

Roxie Heart

Mike the Bartender

The Chosen One

My Promoter and Her Pal

Prince Charming

Sir Patrick Wylde

The City of Hospitality

The Gang at Bean Creek

The Prophet

‘On Main’

Chicago Don

Mr. Indigo

The One Who Was Once ‘The Pan’

The Nervous, But Excited, One

Saint Diane

DreamCatcher

LisaLisa Monet

The Ziatonic Antagonist

Otto

Prof. Siggy Chong

Pasturizer

The Piz-Nifer

Dancing Queen

Downtown Donny Brown

Mama Rabbit

And, of course, a very generous sponsor who pretends to want to be anonymous.

(There are a few of you I just don’t have nicknames for as of yet. Soon. Very soon.)

(*Semi-Legal mumbo-jumbo jargon fine print – my thoughts, my words. Bug off if you think you theivin’ them.*)

I May Be A Doofus, But I Am Damn Resilient…And One Tenacious Bastard

It’s true. I can be such a Fuck-Up. And, a lot of times, it is simple, stupid mistakes. But, through it all I have such determination and drive to make it all work. And, I think, it has. It’s taken a few years but my resilience at everything I do is what has carried me to where I am. I could not make it at this point without my work – whether it be my job, the IC work, the ministry or the video. Each of these contributes to my total income. Without keeping at them and keeping the fires stoked even when they were flickering low I wouldn’t be able to keep going.

I’m not sure what made me take a look at this this week. But, it’s true. I am such ‘The Fool’ always. And, I wear it well. But, when push comes to shove, if it needs to get done – I’ll get it done. I’ll find a way to make it work.

I seem to be able to make the most of any situation. And, I have certainly learned how to bounce back from challenging moments. I have had to start over time and time again over the years. It takes a lot to stop me.

Even at the end of The Quest, when things were really hard and I was very lost, I still managed to pick myself up each day, brush myself off and march into the world to see what it held for me.

And, though I cannot be proud of this, for ‘Pride’ is a sin, I am very pleased and comfortable in it.

It is Sunday, October 7, 2012. Time….Developing…

Baby Steps

This week’s Theme is more of a reminder than anything. But, it came up frequently throughout the week.

It’s not about the long leaps in life. It’s about all the little steps you take to get there. It’s all the little things you do in preperation along the way.

It’s not about completing, but about beginning – little by little, one baby step at a time.

The week began like any other week. I took my Monday Me-Day. It was good. I got a lot of stuff one and kept up with stuff already done. Slowly but surely, I am setting all of my old routines and rituals into place once more. It really seemed as though the week was going to be a pretty strong one.

I once again faced my car insurance quandry. It was due, and though I had the money I wasn’t sure if I could actually ‘afford’ to pay it and still make it through the week. So, Monday, I went through my day and did what I needed to do, got what I needed to get and before the day was out I decided I should just go ahead and do it.

(Besides, one should never do the same trick twice…)

I believe I wrote last week that currently I am looking to get my income to be the equivelent of 40 hrs/week at $10/hour. I know this doesn’t seem like a lot to most of you, but at this point that is really the most I could hope for, even from a “regular” job. I figure this, at least, puts me back in the game. I haven’t made $400 a week for quite some time – even when I had a ‘regular’ job. I know several people who make $10/hr, 40 hrs/wk. So, I am feeling pretty good about that. I should have no problem maintaining it for the next several weeks and then some.

On Tuesday it was time to jump back into the work week. The day flowed very smoothly, except for one thing.

Mama.

Yup. We’re at it again.

I requested a “sit-down” meeting to go over some things that have kind of just been floating around for a while. I thought it might be a good time, as parents, to touch base with each other and look at things.

For instance, last year already, Cuddlebug came home from school talking about homeschooling. Apparently, one of the kids in her class was talking about it and she thought she might like to do it. She spoke to both of us about it and each of us had a very different response.

I told her that before I would consider talking to her mother about it that I wanted to see her making some good friendships – play dates, sleepovers, the whole nine yards.  I told her that making friends is much much harder when homeschooled so I thought it was important that she make strong ones now if that’s what she thinks she would like to do.

Now, I am all for homeschooling. In fact, I prefer it. At least from an academic sense. I admit that there is a social aspect in public school that cannot be emulated anyplace else. I also think that Cuddlebug would do very well homeschooled. She loves to learn. She loves to do. She has an incredible retention for things. For instance, when I was first showing her the guitar I had showed her the C chord one weekend. I talked her through it in basic terms. 1st finger, first fret, second string and so on. A week later, when they came again, I heard her in the living room with her guitar, talking herself back through it exactly as I had done the week before.

Later this week, we go to my cousin’s wedding. It was an outside wedding and had wonderful wedding weather. When we arrived, Cuddlebug remembered seeing on the History channel, 2 weeks ago, how primative man used to make string from tree bark. This is what she set out to doing for quite some time.

I had asked Cuddlebug why she wanted to be homeschooled and she told me she was bored in school, always going over stuff she knows.

This makes perfect sense to me as a possibility.

Mam’s response to homeschool was much shorter than mine. A lot less complex and involved. Mama simply responded, “No.”

So, I thought perhaps we should discuss it further. Because, if Cuddlebug truly is bored in school then now is the time to catch it, before she loses her passion for learning. We should talk to her teacher and see what observations she has. We should look at possibilities for furthering her academic pursuits that may not involve homeschool – extra work, harder classes, etc.

Something.

Some proactive action should be taken.

This was just one of several things though and, so, I requested a meeting – something face-to-face, like adults. Like people. I just don’t think trying to make decisions that impact our daughters should be done through text message. I feel it is irresponsible, childish and disrespectful to our children. But, that’s just my opinion.

I was, undoubtedly, denied. I was told she saw no reason to meet and discuss anything. She has made her feelings known. That is not going to change. Case closed. Apparently, Mama feels Cuddlebug’s interest in homeschool was caused by a fear of social situations. 

I told her this was unacceptable. I do feel there are things to discuss, plans to be made, action to be taken. So, I am requesting a meeting.

I was told that I make her blood pressure rise just through text, so there would be no sit down meeting. There was no way that she was going to sit there while I pretend “to be high and mighty and superior.” And, somewhere in here, because I had siad I thought it was irresponsile parenting to handle things this way, she mentioned that, “irresponsiility is not working enough to support your children.”

(This coming from the woman who doesn’t work at all…)

Now, I ‘m not exactly easy on statements like that. This was my response:

“Unfortunately, though, you must deal with me. That’s just the way it is. I’m sorry you think I pretend to be high and mighty…but, then, I don’t suppose that has anything to do with the fact that u seem to think u have all the answers and that what Mama says is ‘the way it is,’ does it? See, the reason you think she should stay in school is the reason I think we need to take a look at it and I’m not even suggesting that we just pull her out now. But, again, these things take better discussion than can be had through text. So, when can we sit down and talk it through responsibly? I’d like to thank you, too, for once again making the discussion about money when it really has nothing to do with it. It was a clever and creative jab though – congratulations! On that note, though, you cannot push my buttons with that any longer. I do what I can do. Sorry if that’s not enough, but its what I can do. I bust my ass to do what I can do now. I do the work that I am given and I am blessed by it. As my blessings increase, so will urs. In the meantime, from the outside, it seems as though our daughters’ needs are quite met and then some. But, while u are waiting for me to ‘get my act together,’ instead of pointing an accusing finger at me perhaps u could look at what u can do to make ur own circumstances better. U want to discuss money? That’s fine. When can we sit down and do it like adults? I’ll show you what I make and what I spend. You can show me how much u r spending on the girls each month and we can work from there. But, it requires discussion.”

You see, money is like “Mam’s Secret Weapon.” She only ever brings it up when we arguing about something else. She only ever mentions it when she wants to push my buttons. She is never kind about it, never considerate nor compassionate in any way. I have, several times, offered to have this very same discussion with her. She has yet to agree to do so. I have made quite a few offers over the last few years as to, “This is what I can do now. Let’s work it and see where we can go from there.” She has always refused. What I offered was just not enough. And. so. she gets none. Last year, I was told three times about a list of miscellaneous expenses for the girls – backpacks, this and that and what-not. I asked about it 2 of those times. I never received that list.

What do you want me to say?

Last year I took over all of Cuddlebug’s dance expenses – class, costumes, pictures, etc. I’m doing it again this year. Then Mama pays for Sunshine. It’s generally pretty balanced and equal. So, you can figure we are each paying half of the girls’ dance expenses. I also tried, last year, to help with Sunshine’s preschool. I ended up being about four months short in the end. I’m not off to a great start this year either. I am only one month behind, but I have to pay half of the registration yet. I’m not worried about it. I’ll get it. I just wanted to put all of the facts and figures on the table.

But, this is what last week’s text was all about,” I don’t know…was I supposed to remind you that u agreed to pay half of the preschool.” And then asking if I would just take over the other dance class instead. Which happened to be due that coming weekend.

(Ok…maybe we won’t spare you…)

Well…seriously.

My response was pretty much, ‘No.’ I went on to tell her that I just got back from a 2 month trek that drained my finances. I was working towards things and I would need until about the end of November before I would see how everything falls into play and impacts the overall situation. It’s true. I am trying to work more, but I had to work towards it. It was a very slow process and now it has peaked. So, we will see. I am trying to spend less…and yet, do more while spending less.

So, no, right now I cannot promise to take on a long term commitment like the dance class, even in exchange for preschool. “But…hey, thanks for asking what my financial situation was like since I got back.”

The funny thing about it is, what she didn’t know, I hadn’t even paid Cuddlebug’s first month of dance and the second one, as I said, was due at the end of the week.

I did get this taken care of, incidentally. They agreed to take a post-dated check for next Friday when I get my first full pay.

But, anyway, on and on this went throughout the week. Back and forth we went having this argument, this debate, this…discussion.

So, Wednesday comes around I just cannot get myself to move right. Like, I just didn’t feel right from the first moment of the morning. I had work to do and I had set out to do it. And, I did. I got it all done. I even made it to Lee Gribbens on Main for my regular Wednesday night gig.

NOw there were two other intersting parts to Wednesday…and they both involved my mother.

First, I knew there was no way I was going to make it until my pay next Friday, and still be ale to do all of the work that I had scheduled. It’s really the only downside to my work. The more I want to make, the more I need to work. The more I work, the more I drive. The more I drive, the more I spend. So, I told her this and she gave me $40, which I do intend on returning.

In between that discussion, and the exchanging of bills, there was another exchange. She told me that she wanted me to help my father with the leaves. “He’s been having trouble with it.”

“That’s fine,” I told her,” but, HE will have to ask me.”

“He shouldn’t have to ask…blah…blah, blah, blah….blah…”

I kinda tuned her out after, “He shouldn’t have to ask.” I disagree. First and foremost, it’s the polite thing to do. If you want someone to help you, you need to ask. How else do they know? If you need their time you need to either give them ample time to make it work, or you need to do this around their schedule. How do you do that if you don’t ask?

Furthermore, and this part I did tell her, he has told me on more than one occasion that, “there is nothing I can do for you, no way I can help you and there is nothing you want from me.” He’s gotta ask.

I was told that I simply need to get over that.

Welllllll….yeah. But, I said, “He has an issue with me that he needs to get over.” I mentioned how many times he will walk right past me and get my sister when he needs help. Sometimes, he just waits for her to come home. I told her how often I have offered help and been denied. Or, how I have started to do something only to have him come along and sweep it out from under me. He has made it very clear that he doesn’t want my help. Now, if he wants it, he has to ask for it.

This was me Friday evening…

It turns out that the girls wanted to play in a leaf pile and there just happened to be leaves. So, I helped them get them in a pile and when they were done they put them in containers for Pappy.

Not a word was said about this. My father did not thank me or the girls for the help. And, my mother never acknowledged it either.

I just find that interesting.

I also did the trash on Thursday. Which…no one mentioned either.

And, it’s not like I do it for the thanks. But, I just find the thanks to be nice, considering.

Thursday, with the gas money from mom, I put in a slightly longer day. However, I still managed to find plenty of time for me – including getting the rest of the Winter Clothes out and organized. And, I found myself feeling this overwhelming sense of just being blessed.

Also, on Thursday night, I took the time to do something that I haven’t done in a number of years.

(That seems to be happening a lot more lately.)

It does.

Thursday night I sat on the front porch. I used to love to do this. Just sit there and enjoy the silence. Watch the stillness, or…the occassional fluttering of life. I plan on doing more and more of this.

Friday was an absolutely glorious day. I got plenty of sleep Thursday night and I awoke feeling very empowered. I started my day by joining Cuddlebug at her school for a ‘Walk-a-thon.’ We just walked around her school three times and that was it. But, I got to do it with her, and meet some of her friends. Sunshine was there too, as was Mama. Which was all very interesting, especially when Cuddlebug tried to get Mama and me to both hold her hands as we walked. LOL.

Later, as we walked alone, I told her she needed to stop that. I mean, I know she really kind of wants me and Mama together again, but she also knows it isn’t going to happen and she can’t try to pull that stuff. I wasn’t mean to her, or scold her. I actually kinda chuckled about it.

So, off to my work day I went. Then I picked up the girls. We did the leaves. And, then, some Birthday Time for Sunshine who had turned 5 the previous week. But, I didn’t have them for that weekend, so, we did it Friday night. A lil cake, some presents. Lots of love.

Saturday was an interesting day. We had the usual dance class in the morning. In the afternoon and night we had my cousin’s wedding, which I videoed for her. It was a short, brief experience really but there were a couple of ‘moments'.’

Just as the girls and I were preparing to leave we managed to pick up two more signatures on the van. There was a family leaving, people I know through family. Kinda hard to explain, but nonetheless, they had asked me about the van. I told them the story of what I had just done and the role the van played in it and then the daughters signed it.

INSERT 2 PHOTOS

But also, at the wedding, I met a fan of mine. Like a real, legitamite fan.

When I was doing B Roll prior to the ceremony I had gone in the house to film the girls. One of the bridesmaids said to me, “Oh my boyfriend is going to love meeting you. He’s like a fan.”

And a fan he was. Of me. Of my work here on WTML.

He has ever read the posts, I gathered, but he has seen videos. I’m not sure exactly how he came across them, but he apparently loves them. This guy was awesome all night long. He talked to me, encouraged me, got me water at one point. And, when I left, he blessed me and told me to keep up the good work.

(And, if you read the ‘Shout-Outs’ you may have noticed his new one.)

And, Sunday was a fairly plain day. Mom and Sis and I took the girls to a place called The Works where they got to eat and play games and get prizes and play in a giant ball pit. Then, of course, there was more Baby Mama Drama.

But, that I will spare you.

So, the weeks pass on, and life is pounding itself into place for me. Little by little, bit by bit. There is a lot going on in and around me these days. I have been raising the bar, setting my standards higher, just a bit more each day, each week. If you have been following along long enough and you can remember it,, I have been pushing my ‘Livable Conditions.’ Each day the requirements increases. I am curious, though, just what the next few months hold in store.

Also, one night this week – after the talk about the leaves, I had the oddest dream. I do not remember much, but I remember enough. My dream state has been very intense of late so I have been trying to remain aware of it.

In the dream was my father and I. We were having a discussion or disagreement of some sort. I do not know what it was about. But in it, I said to my father, “The only one living in the past…is you.” Though the words had come from my mouth, I can’t help but wonder if the message wasn’t for me. Whenever we can get Doc to join us again we will get into some of that.

Speaking of Doc – I banged the hell out of my shin at the wedding Saturday night. Like, I could barely walk on Sunday. So, I want to ask Doc, based on his whole ‘Body Map Theory’ what that might mean.  

No One Wants To Face one’s own self

No one does. not even me.

We all want to make it about ‘The Other Person.’

“Well, this is what you do – or don’t do. He needs to do this or that. She can’t or shouldn’t.”

I did it several times this week. And, it was done to me.

But, when someone throws shit in our lap we don’t seem to want to acknowledge it. We don’t want to see our own flaws and quirks. And, I don’t really understand this. Who ever said flaws and quirks were bad things? They make us who we are. They add flavor to life. For as much as I may gripe about them – and that is part of my flaws and quirks – how can I be upset with my rents or with mama? They just are who they are doing what they do. Do they frustrate me? Yes. Infuriate me? Sometimes. But, without them, without the ‘stress’ and the ‘difficulty’ what would my life be? There would be no balance, no ebb and flow, or peaks and valleys. It would be a flatlined existence.

I would have no challenges – nothing to overcome, nothing to tweak, nothing to become. It would stagnate.

It would be a lifeless life, void of experience. There would be no growth.

I can understand why Mama gets frustrated with me. Why her blood may boil. In a debate situation, I can be very rough. I will play on words. I will use your own words against you. If you contradict yourself, in any way, you will know it. I speak plainly, bluntly and matter-of-factly. I can have a very, very sharp tongue. The statements I make can, very often, be harsh. I remain confident that what I say is accurate and correct.

Basically…I can be a real prick.

I struggled with this for quite some time in life. All these people getting so upset by it. I wrestled with it, tried to change it from time to time. But, the simple fact of the matter is – It’s who I am. Typically, I mean no harm by it. If I’m throwin’ it out on the table for you, it’s a sign of respect. It means I’m not gonna bullshit you. I’m not gonna dick around with you. I’m going to call it like I see it. I am going to be sincere, and honest, and genuine.

This is not to say that I shouldn’t, or don’t need to, curve my approach a bit. I most certainly do. This, too, is something I have struggled with over the years.

Feedback

Feedback has always been my favorite part of WTML, and also, the one I get to play with the least. I have long said that this is actually the most vital part of the project and have strongly encouraged folks to leave comments, questions and the like.

This week, The White Rose left two comments. First, she said she had difficulty following last week’s post. It was too complex. Well, Rose, though I can agree with you that it had a difficult flow to follow. I am not certain of the complex part. Help me out a bit. What was too complex? The content and information? The characters? The videos and pictures? What was it that threw it off?

Next, she asked what it was that you, the readers, were to get from my Quest. Why was it that it was made so public?

Well, let me respond  to this by answering the latter first. All I can really say is that it was made public because it was supposed to be made public. It was part of my journey. As for why, I don’t know. And, what were you to get from the experience, well, I figure that’s really kind of a personal matter. Each will have his or her own reaction to it all, each will get an individual experience. For now, give it time and allow yourself to see what it was you were supposed to see.

From here in Geistopia, for now and for always, I am your beloved Rev. wishing you…

Love

Light

Peace

and Freakishness.