Biding My Time

Hey Gang!

Welcome to my life…

Where anything is possible and nothing is as it seems. I’m Freedom and I’ll be your host, coming at you from within…

The Depths of Geistopiaaaaaaaaaa

Velcum to my Life ees a prochect, un experiment een Life unt ART, A liwing storyboard, if you vill. Eet’s premise ees zat you can, and do, experience za life you choose. Eet ees based on za Veel of Life unt za ARTs for za New Millennium as life building tools. Ya. Eet’s true.

Welcome to my Life is an ITV Studios/Geist…House production. JustUs Productions, the parent company, would like to give a ‘Shout-Out’ to the following for their ongoing, and oft times unknowing, inspiration and support:

Princess Cuddlebug

Princess Sunshine

Craze & Co.

The Shaman

The Pillar

The Entire Putt-Putt-Putter Clan

FaeriePrincess

Berton

The VanMan (may he R.I.P.)

Osteen, the Son

The Faery-Taler

The Nameless One

Senior SwankyPants

The General

The White Rose

JoJo Dancer

The Socialite

Redds

Hoagie

Mudder

Mudslide Bill

The Cowboy

Danny Boy

The Balletic One

The Ziatonic Antagonist

Otto

Prof. Siggy Chong

Pasturizer

Dancing Queen

Downtown Encyclopedia Brown

Mama Rabbit

And, of course, a very generous sponsor who pretends to want to be anonymous.

(*Semi-Legal mumbo-jumbo jargon fine print – my thoughts, my words. Bug off if you think you theivin’ them.*)

It is Sunday, October 5, 2014. Time….Developing.

I’m a Child in a Grown-Up World

This has a dual connotation lately.

There are those who might say I have not grown up yet, because of my life circumstances. Mama is a good one for this. When we argue she often says, “When you grow up to be a big boy…”

In a way, I suppose, it could be taken as a true statement. A rather cruel one, but true nonetheless. I do not have the same concerns, difficulties, challenges or responsibilities as others my age. My work and my income are well below par. I do not have a home or those payments associated with such. I do not deal in politics or world events.

As I have been told, and shared before, I just sort of ‘dope along.”

Yet, is that always a bad thing?

This is where the flip-side of the Observation comes into play. It is the original Observation actually.

I do just ‘dope along’ – rather carefree at times. I am wide-eyed and somewhat innocent. (I did say, “somewhat.”) As I said, I do not concern myself with politics or world events. These things mean nothing to me. I don’t say this in a bad or derogatory way. They just don’t concern me. There’s enough of a world happening right around me that I don’t find the desire to get involved in a world I can never truly know. When it comes to those things we only have the information we are given. And, everyone gives different information dependent on the purpose they wish to serve.

I am gulliable towards people, because I truly believe that all people are good. (Ok…most people lol.) I think the world is a good place, if we would only let it be.

I do not worry about impressions and decorum. I am as I am. If I wish to bust out in song or dance while walking down the street…I will. I like to be goofy and silly and fun. I try not to take too much too seriously.

Recently, a neighbor made a comment to me. I think it was this comment that spawned the Observation. This is a neighbor that hardly speaks with me but from rare time to time and the dialogue is never truly engaging. It is more…polite. So, we were talking across the road, she on her porch and me in my yard. I had started the conversation. I was talking about how quiet our street is, how peaceful it can be to just sit on the front porch. She was in agreement. And then, randomly, she says, “So now you have an adult vehicle.”

She was referring, of course, to the fact that I no longer have the Dreamcatcher.

An ‘adult vehicle.’

What exactly does that mean?

My only response to her was that, “there are enough adult vehicles in the world.” But the Dreamcatcher had personality…and purpose. Perhaps it was not for everyone. But it was unique and to those who took a moment to understand it, it could be inspiring.

I was offended by this for quite a few days. I just couldn’t wrap my brain around it – not just the statement and the thought process behind it, but the fact that she found it ok to make it in the first place. To place judgment like that on something without trying to know it just seems…well…very adult to me.

I am a daydream believer. Deep inside I believe that somewhere out there everyone has a happy ending – an almost perfect life. 

Then I began to wonder, why do I need to be so “grown-up.” What does it matter? Why is it important and to whom?

Understanding is Relative

I found several examples of this throughout the week. Obviously, or it wouldn’t be a Theme.

What we understand, how we perceive things, is relative to who are we are. It is all dependent on what we have experiences, seen, felt, heard, learned. These things are all results of where we go and what we do.

It’s impossible to discern a right or wrong because what may be right to one may be wrong based on what another has experienced. It is why we are told that to understand a person we should first walk a mile in his shoes. It is why we must take the time to really listen to another person, hear what they are saying without our own personal filters.  

?Don’t Look A Gift Horse in the Mouth?

I’m not certain this is the actual Lesson this week. I thought it was for a moment, but that moment shifted. Then I thought perhaps the Lesson was to value the self. By today I began to wonder if it was forgiveness and understanding. I have no clear answers on this. So for now, we will leave it as it is.

Feedback

Feedback has always been my favorite part of WTML, and also, the one I get to play with the least. I have long said that this is actually the most vital part of the project and have strongly encouraged folks to leave comments, questions and the like.

White Rose – I found your comment last week very interesting. I can appreciate that you saw positive in the post. What intrigues me is that you pointed it out. I suppose, this is one of those examples of Understanding is Relative. To me, to point out having found the positive, implies you also found negative. I went back and re-read last week’s post. You were right, the party was a success and a very positive thing. However, I did not see negative. I saw truth and honesty, a mere sampling of what life has been of late. But I did not read any negative into it. I did not find it to have negative words or connotations. It was simply a declaration. It was what it was, but it was not negative.

Perhaps others may agree with you. Perhaps it reads differently than I read it. But then, I know what is going on inside. I know what my thoughts and feelings have been. I know where the negativity has laid in wait. Understanding is Relative. Our interpretations may differ because our experiences, our learning, has differed. I am not offended by your interpretation, just intrigued by it. It would be interesting to me to hear how others may have interpreted the same writings.

I’m not exactly sure what to make of this past week.

The dis-ease is slowly working its way through my body. I would have liked to see it gone by now, but it lingers on just slightly. I find he timing of it all interesting, though The Nameless One used the word coincidence. I’m not so sure I believe in coincidence. Especially in a case like this.

Again, this might be my simplistic, child-like view of life. A few weeks ago I started wrestling with my life as a whole. Where it is, where it’s going…or not going. All of my frustrations and irritations. I had even slipped into quite a major depression for a while.

Along the way, I had a Reiki session which stirred things up a bit. I also started a new project, or approach to things. The first step was to write down all of my frustrations and aggravations – flush them out of the system. I look at that and the idea of dis-ease setting in only seems natural.

The physical mirrors the spiritual/mental/emotional. So, the idea of flushing those areas and then getting physically sick, having the body discharge toxins and such, seems the next logical phase of it all. I just kind of wish it would be done now.

I had another moment of frustration this week in the work/income arena. It was the kind of thing I have griped about in the past.

Randomly, one morning at work, I had gone out for a cigarette and decided to check the Craigslist postings since I have not done so in some time. The second post I came across was in regards to someone needing an officiant for her wedding, which was on Saturday. . Right up my alley, no?

It was a mess of a situation and in the end, she went with “a friend’s dad who is a minister.” It was another one of those moments when all I could do is wonder why. Why send me an opportunity that will never manifest Why put me through that? Why tease me? What is the point to a moment like that?

In a way, it may have been my own fault. On the other hand, perhaps I learned a lesson about ‘valuing’ the self.

I was ready to respond immediately, but took a moment to reflect. There are many services I offer through the ministry and I often feel like I under-value them, like I don’t charge enough. Typically, in the past, I have charged $75 for a wedding. But I wondered if that was truly enough.

For whatever reason, I decided to ask the two guys that work in the production room with me what they thought. I asked them if I should be charging more. They looked at me like I was a little nuts. They both thought I should be charging much more. In fact, the one gentleman said he paid $300 to his officiant.

This still blows my mind, but I ran with it. Perhaps this was a lesson in valuing myself. Perhaps this is why I do struggle with abundance – because I am not willing to charge what I am really worth. So, I responded. I said I could make myself available and my fee was $250. This was very odd for me. I felt strange charging so much, but at the same time felt like it was a step in the right direction of valuing myself and getting what I am worth. It was not until after I responded that I noticed she was only offering $100.

Suddenly I felt conflicted, which worsened when she responded that, right now as she waits for her refund from the other officiant, she could only afford $100. I wasn’t sure what to do. I didn’t want to chase off the business, but at the same time I had already set the tone and I didn’t think it said much for valuing myself if I caved immediately either.

We emailed back and forth a few times over the next two days. I made several offers for methods of payment that would allow her the flexibility to pay and still afford me the opportunity to make what I had put out there in the first place. I offered to write up a contract with payment terms. I also put out to her that I could accept a credit card payment.

In the end, in a moment of panic after not hearing back from her for a time, I caved and said I could do it for the $100. At that point she still seemed interested. We talked about meeting Thursday night. On Wednesday night I sent an email to confirm the time and get an address. Thursday morning I received the email telling me she was going with her friend’s dad.

I still don’t know what to make of it all. I certainly could have used the $100. There is no doubt to that. Perhaps I was to determined to raise the price. Perhaps it was all just a lesson in valuing myself more. I have determined that in the future I am charging more for weddings. Truth is, until there are meetings to go over details (at least two), any time spent researching and re-writing in order to add elements the couple may want, the rehearsal and the actual service $75 really doesn’t seem to be a fair amount on my part. However, I still feel like $250-300 is too much. In the future, I may look at $150.

I have had the same debate with my house cleansings/blessings. Again, I only charge $75. (Notice a Theme?) But, some have suggested that I should be charging more. These are things with which I must wrestle.

As for this wedding, it worked out I suppose. With the girls here this weekend and things we had to do it wouldn’t have been beneficial from a time standpoint.

On the flip side of things, I did do more Craigslist surfing and came up with at least one more possibility – helping someone with yard work/landscaping/etc. She knows what she wants done, has the tools and the knowledge to get it done, but has some physical limitations that are keeping her from doing so. I am to meet with her tomorrow and see if we can make it work.

I took the Princesses shopping for their Halloween costumes this week. They both decided to be characters from Ever After High. The costumes are adorable and I can’t wait to share pictures of them in them.

We spent a long time in the Halloween Store, between deciding what to be and looking at all the fun stuff. (Daddy could spend a LOT of money in a Halloween store.) We managed to get very friendly with a couple of the employees, including the manager. She mentioned that she is still hiring and said I could go online to apply. I did so immediately the next morning. I went through the process and finished the application only to have the site tell me the ‘Position is Closed.’

Needless to say, I was frustrated once more. However, this time I went back to the store and told her what had happened. She said she was going to make some phone calls and would be in touch with me on Monday. We shall see.

I finished another application this week as well. A friend of mine drives school vans for a nearby district and they are hiring. It is for substitute drivers but I figured I would reach out and try. I have not heard anything back from that as of yet.

And so this is how it goes. this is always how it goes. I can find temporary and part time work, but nothing full time. And, even when I find this work, I do not always get it.

I managed, this week, to start getting back into my I.C. work. It’s just been a few jobs here and there, a trickle of income, but it is a step in the right direction once more. The challenge with this work is in order to make money I must first have money.

On top of all of this, I have Mama harassing me. She has been making a big deal of support. I know this is going to be a sore issue for some people but it is what it is.

Needless to say, with my work being what it has been over the years I have not had money to pay her monthly. there is no support order in place demanding that I do so either. We were left to our own devices to settle this matter and come up with an arrangement. I have several times offered to pay her half of all miscellaneous expenses – clothes, school supplies, doctor, etc. I just have not been in a place where I could commit to a regular monthly payment because I have never been able to be certain what I was going to make in a month.

She has never accepted my offer.

this is not to say that I pay for nothing. As I said, I did the girls’ Halloween costumes this year, just as I have the past few years. I took them shopping for their school supplies this year. I am paying for Cuddlebug’s dance class and supplies. this is $109 a month that has been very difficult to keep up with, plus shoes and very soon $200 for costumes.

What people don’t realize is that every so often I sit down and write out a budget for the future. I look at where I am and what my monthly expenses are and then I look at where I would like to get to. Every time I include money for her in my ‘get to’ plan. I just never seem to be able to get there.

We do have a support hearing at the end of the month. I imagine it will go much like the last one did. But, dare I say at the risk of offending, I find it all very ironic now.

I have spent the last month getting all frustrated and feeling defeated because financially everything has been moving backwards despite any efforts on my part. Then I get the notice for the hearing and I find myself chuckling a bit. It is exactly what happened the last time. Life was moving forward and then all of a sudden it wasn’t and things were falling apart and in the midst of it all I get the notification for the hearing.

Now, the last time, my father accused me of doing it on purpose. he suggested that I left my jobs (and lost my apartment) all so that I wouldn’t have to pay her money. Do I even need to say how absurd that notion is to me?

Yet, here we are and it is happening again. I have to wonder if the Almighty isn’t trying to drive a point home to Mama instead. Please keep in mind she does not work at all. I’m not criticizing her nor condemning her. It is what it is.

There has been much fighting between Mama and I this past week or two. It has gotten quite vicious as well. This is as much my fault as it is hers. We clash. Our egos take over. It all becomes about who is right, who is better. I thought I would write on that this week, but perhaps it waits.

I am on a mission lately. I have a plan, though it is still technically developing, and I am trying to stick to it. This requires me to balance the time I spend on things. so, for now, it is time to sign off and move on.

From here in Geistopia, for now and for always, I am your beloved Rev. wishing you…

Love

Light

Peace

and Freakishness.