The Job of Job

Hey Gang!

Welcome to my life…

Where anything is possible and nothing is as it seems. I’m Freedom and I’ll be your host, coming at you from within…

The Depths of Geistopiaaaaaaaaaa

Velcum to my Life ees a prochect, un experiment een Life unt ART, A liwing storyboard, if you vill. Eet’s premise ees zat you can, and do, experience za life you choose. Eet ees based on za Veel of Life unt za ARTs for za New Millennium as life building tools. Ya. Eet’s true.

Welcome to my Life is an ITV Studios/Geist…House production. JustUs Productions, the parent company, would like to give a ‘Shout-Out’ to the following for their ongoing, and oft times unknowing, inspiration and support:

Princess Cuddlebug

Princess Sunshine

Craze & Co.

The Shaman

The Pillar

The Entire Putt-Putt-Putter Clan

FaeriePrincess

Berton

The VanMan (may he R.I.P.)

Osteen, the Son

JoJo Dancer

Senior Swankypants

Danny Boy

Redds

Hoagie

Mudder

Saint Diane

Mudslide Bill

The Socialite

The Cowboy

The Nameless One

The Ziatonic Antagonist

Otto

Prof. Siggy Chong

Pasturizer

Dancing Queen

Downtown Encyclopedia Brown

Mama Rabbit

And, of course, a very generous sponsor who pretends to want to be anonymous.

(There are a few of you I just don’t have nicknames for as of yet. Soon. Very soon.)

(*Semi-Legal mumbo-jumbo jargon fine print – my thoughts, my words. Bug off if you think you theivin’ them.*)

It is Monday, September 8, 2014. Time….completed.

Feedback

Feedback has always been my favorite part of WTML, and also, the one I get to play with the least. I have long said that this is actually the most vital part of the project and have strongly encouraged folks to leave comments, questions and the like.

As you may have already taken notice, there is no Theme, Lesson, or Observation of the Week. That alone should speak volumes of the point to where we have come. If it does not, then perhaps the rest of this post will.

I would have to say that this has been the roughest week I have had to suffer in quite some time. I’m not even certain that I care to relive it here. But then, that’s the entire point, isn’t it? Perhaps I will find some understanding, or even redemption, that I had missed in the fury of it all.

The past several weeks were challenging overall. I have been struggling with things on all levels – mental, emotional, spiritual and physical. I’m not sure which is the first level to focus on. I believe, as always, that they intertwine and feed off of each other.

Physically I have not been well for at least 2-3 weeks. I don’t think one would know it to look at me. I have been handling it quite well. It has been a combination of things. All trouble me, but for different reasons.

There has been an issue somewhere with in my digestive system. Exactly where or what it is I have not been able to pinpoint. Without being to…vulgar, let’s just say that food seems to be traveling through me at a much quicker rate than it should. Also, I have had moments of feeling almost nauseous. I say almost because it is similar to that feeling, but not quite identical.

I have also been dealing with being overly tired, and almost lethargic. It seems to come and go in spurts and cycles. I will have a bit of energy for awhile and then I just have none. I will either end up sleeping, or worse, just sitting. On the bright side of this, because I suppose there always is one, I have been doing more reading lately than I have in quite some time. But even that tends to be periodic and oft times short lived. I have a list of things I wish to do but it takes more effort than I care to think about to accomplish the simplest of tasks.

This has been compounded by a feeling of light headedness. I cannot count how many times I thought I might just collapse or fall over. (That sounds more dramatic than it truly is.)

This, however, may be due to the spiritual challenges I have been having. I do not know how to describe the sensation. There has been a great deal of energy work going on. This can cause me to feel light-headed and almost spacey. But it also seems to cause an almost weakness in my physical being, accompanied by a sort of “burning” sensation.

What I found most interesting is that I described it all to Cuddlebug, she was quick to point out that it is similar to what I sometimes go through before working with a client – be it a reading or healing or house cleansing. She was absolutely correct of course. What concerns me about this is the intensity of it all…as well as the length of time it has been happening.

It is exactly the process I go through before doing any “works.” But, it usually is just for a day prior, and occasionally one after. But this, this has been going on longer than I can actually account for. If I am preparing for some degree of spiritual work, then I fear it will be more intense than anything I have done before.

There are two things to note here: 1 – a lot of the reading I have been doing lately has been spiritually oriented, such as The Book of the Law and The Book of Thomas. This in and of itself would lend to the energetic roller coaster. And, 2 – I realized today that we are coming up on the 13th anniversary of a very tragic event. I remember how I felt that day, what I went through. Today, for the first time in those 13 years I actually felt a twinge of impending dread.

Emotionally I am not sure what to describe. I have been wrestling with forgiveness and understanding – of myself and others. Sometimes I think this is a futile exercise. But it has been more than that. My emotions have been erratic. I don’t want to describe them as moving through extremes, but I definitely teeter from feelings of joy and gratefulness to those of feeling stressed…or even sad.

The sadness could be the result of the mental chaos I have been going through. As I said, I have been wrestling with understanding and forgiveness. But I have also been trying to understand myself and my path better. In particularly, my path of late.

I’m not sure when the change occurred but it feels as though my world is crashing around me. The finances have dwindled and it has been harder and harder to create work. Meanwhile, debts and needs are growing. I realize this is nothing new, but this is the worst I have seen it in quite some time.

That in and of itself is frustrating and discouraging enough. Add to it, the failed “ask & it is given” experiment. I have survived. But it’s been…frustrating. My Reiki client has not happened yet and may not happen again this week. I had a former video client contact me for a re-vamp job but I have not heard from him regarding confirmation. It’s like I was given little teases and this is what gets frustrating.

This is how things have gone for so many years. I am always being given these little indications that all will be well, but in the end they only seem to be a tease. It gets tiring. And it is across the board, especially in the arena of work and income. Things go well. Things look promising. Then BAM it’s all different. I’m used to this kind of process and the stall involved. I am just tiring of it.

It makes me think of Jesus’ teaching in the Book of Thomas, “Know yourself and you shall be known…” Then there’s a whole bunch of blah, blah, blah saying a lot of the same that I cannot remember. At the end he says, and I am paraphrasing here, if you don’t know yourself you will live in poverty and you will be that poverty.

I thought I knew myself. I thought I understood my path all this time, all these years. Admittedly there was a time I let this knowing become ego and after that I was with Mama and so far away from anything that resembled myself. After she left I believed I had seen it returning. Suddenly I’m not so sure. I’m not really so sure of anything anymore.

Beyond the usual struggle of trying to make better work for myself (and yes, I still check classifieds and even craigslist) there are the other mental debates and deliberations I have been going through – mainly my family and Mama.

Let’s start with Mama. We seem to have absolutely no capacity for actually working together to raise our children. I would like to think that I am rational and fair in my requests and my assessment of the situation. Though I would never feign any innocence, it seems to me that she is the biggest obstacle in the way.

I have noticed time and time again that she cannot discuss things with me. She tends to ignore them altogether or eliminate any discussion with, “that’s what I have to say and there’s nothing left to discuss.”

I have reached out to her time and time again, pleading with her to be sensible and reasonable. We are two different people from two very different worlds of experience. So, needless to say, we rarely agree on what is actually best for our children. This part is ok. What bothers me is the fact that we are unable to resolve the differences. I do not feel we are doing the best by our daughters. I believe their lives, and hence their experiences, are being limited. This makes me angry.

Enter my lack of innocence. I have no qualms about expressing my anger, my disgust at it all. And, I’m not always polite. I try polite. I try to regain common ground. I have completed papers on my desk to submit to the court, the only recourse I feel I have left, and still I have reached out to her one more time. I sent her an email, asking her if we could move beyond our differences and focus on our commonality – our daughters. I have not heard a word from her, but what should be expected from a person that cannot even look me in the face as I personally place something in her hand.

*sigh*

But still, I pray. I ask for guidance and strength in being understanding and patient and fair.

It seems I fail.

In the meantime, my children muddle through, expressing their feelings and interests and desires…and all  the while being ignored.

Enter my family. The same cycles and patterns over and over again. The same unanswered questions. Why am I here after all these years? What is the purpose, the point?

Over the years so many reasons have come to mind. Perhaps it was to heal – me, them, our relationship. Perhaps it was for me to help them in some way. Once the Shaman even hinted perhaps it had nothing to do with us, but with my daughters.

Healing doesn’t seem a possibility. Things are better than they were, more placid if you will. But, the underlying tension is still there. On my part as well as theirs. I know I try to let go of it, but from time to time I can feel it swell and rear it’s ugly head. But. it’s there on their part as well. My mother and I have gotten better, sister as well. But, dad…that has only gotten worse. I chalk it up to Alpha Male syndrome.

As for helping them with anything, well, they have said very often in the past that there is nothing I can do for them, nothing they want from me and no way I can help them. They have stuck to that in so many ways.

In February I offered to take care of replacing the garage roof (shingles only). I mentioned it in an email to my mother with some other things. I had offered to do the work. I even had a skilled friend who had offered to me to help get the project ready to go. Never was it mentioned again. The roof still leaks.

Recently, as life seemed to be going well and things were balancing out I took to doing a lot more around here in regards to weekly needs. I know I should have done more all along but with an attitude such as the one above and the lack f any gratitude when I have done something diminished my motivation over time. But not too long ago I decided to rise above the ego. I wasn’t do anything for them. I was doing things for me – to help me feel better, to establish a pattern and routine for me.

So, each week I was getting the lawn mowed, cleaning the house and taking out the trash. Please understand as commonplace as these things sound I had stayed away from them for many reasons, including the above statement.

I did clean. For a long time I cleaned this house every week, until I was repeatedly told how I did nothing and contributed nothing. So I stopped. No one has really cleaned since…well no one but me. Cleaning is also a challenge here. I have a very specific routine and regimen to cleaning. Cleaning to me is more than just dusting and vacuuming. Things need to be put away, organized…and I cleanse the house as well. For me it is actually a very enjoyable chore. Very Zen-ful. But, to achieve that Zen I also need to clean when no one else is around. This means when they are gone or in bed. Lately, with my chance in work, I don’t have what it takes to be up all night cleaning and they don’t really go away that often.

The trash and the lawn fall under that Ego arena. I did the trash for a few weeks and now suddenly someone is doing it before 7:30 AM on the morning before i t is picked up. Why I couldn’t tell you other than what seems obvious…they just can’t let me do it. And, I’m not putting the trash out a full 24 hours before its picked up just to play ego games. This is not the first time I have dealt with this. It has happened before. Any time I set it into my routine someone has side-swiped me and taken it over.

The lawn is a very similar. In the past I have tried to do it and been outdone by my father. If I told him I would do it, he did it anyway. If I tried to just “do it” he always managed to get to it first. Most recently, his scheme included moving the gas cans for the mowers to a different storage place, and I believe, moving the key as well. So, now, I couldn’t do it if I wanted.

I have other gifts and abilities to bring to the table, or so I thought. But that is where all of the real trouble between us came about in the first place. If I used my skills and made suggestions for things I was ignored completely or yelled at and told I was trying to “take over the house.”

Way back then I felt it was a perfect arrangement. I had these wonderful skills that were swelling and developing within me. I could use them to help my family and, in a way, repay them for years of assistance. On top of that, it would provide me a sort of portfolio of my work to grow on. But that would never come to pass, nor will it.

My family is set in their ways, and some of those ways are very toxic to themselves. They will never hear from me any suggestion on how to heal them either.

So suddenly, after all of this rambling, I feel…pointless. There seems no place or purpose for me.

For years I have beaten my head against the brick wall of employment, with no real success. Sooner or later, in some way, shape or form, every job has gone south. (If they were ever North in the first place.)

My theatrical/entertainment career fell apart 11 years ago. I realize I am using “career” very loosely, but at one point in time I had believed I could do…something with a theatre/entertainment company.

Along comes the video work. Just enough to muddle through for a few years and never enough to advance and be truly marketable.

Many other jobs have come and gone, none being able to withstand the test of time. Some not able to deliver on the possibility of change.

The Ministry and everything it brings with it has had some steam from time to time, but again, ultimately results in failure.

Over the years, it has often been suggested that I write a book. Despite pages of drafts and attempts shoved in a drawer, nothing has come to publication. How could it? What could I possibly write about that other people would want to read about? I have stories, that to me are amazing and oft time miraculous, but it seems they mean very little to others. I have thoughts and calculations on things, but nothing new enough to be worthy of print. My stories mean nothing, because they prove nothing. No matter how potent the moment, in the end, they can do nothing for others because as far as others are concerned they have done nothing for me. I have nothing…and I am nothing.

Even this blog seems to be on the decline, following its predecessor – the video version of WTML. Another failed attempt at doing…something. It takes me an entire day to do a post anymore. The one day a week I have to myself and I spend it trying to flush and get a post done. And, for what? A handful of people that may or may not read it. I had always hoped that it would inspire and encourage – that people would engage and get involved. But, overall, that has not been the case.

I have friends, but I’m not sure about friendships. (No offense to anyone…I just have high expectations.) Please understand I do have friends that are very good to me and for that I am eternally grateful. I had just envisioned a life full of friendship and activity and moments. Most of my moments are very solitary. Perhaps, these friends feel the way most of my family does…and maybe none of them are wrong.

This of course, brings me to my family. I have no real family relationships or ties short of my daughters. I have lived this entire life of activity and moments and adventures…and, other than my children, I don’t think there is a single family member that knows anything about any of them.

As for any other kind of relationship, well, my days of romance are long, long past. The Sun has set on that horizon and I do not foresee it rising again.

Perhaps those like my parents or Mama are correct. Perhaps I am nothing more than an asshole and a pathetic failure.

Which then begs the question, just what kind of legacy am I leaving behind for my children? Am I truly doing them any good or any justice by having them share in failure after failure, disappointment after disappointment?

Through all of this, I have maintained Faith. I have always believed in ‘God’ - something out there, beyond our comprehension, that somehow influences existence. After I had been slain and life had begin to change so much, my Faith got stronger. The Lord truly does work in amazing ways. Everything does happen for a reason. I could never think, or believe, otherwise. That’s the unfortunate thing about Faith…once you truly have it you can never lose it.

I have challenged it from time to time. Angry and confused I would admonish God for his handling of things. But I suppose the only answer he has had for me is the same as he offered Job, “Where were you when I laid the Earth’s foundations?”

All the while that Faith was underlined by a Hope fueled by message after message that “one day” it would all be different. I have lived many years of “one days.” Things are different, but they are not any better, nor more palatable. Recently, one more thing has begun to change – the flame of hope has been extinguished. Faith without hope is like chocolate without peanut butter. It is very sweet, but it offers no real sustenance.

So what now?

For me, I think it is time to hang it all up. I can accept the cards the fates have dealt me. It is what it is, even if it is nothing. I can accept this and in that acceptance I can relive myself of any delusions that I could ever make it anything else. Or myself. As I said, perhaps I truly am the horrible and vile person that I have so often been described as. Perhaps this is the me I needed to come to know.

And perhaps, in knowing that, I can finally be free – whether others like who I become next or not.

 

From here in Geistopia, for now and for always, I am your beloved Rev. wishing you…

Love

Light

Peace

and Freakishness.