Someone PLEEEASE Interpret This....

Before I delve into the negativity and frustration of this post I need to add something to my positive list that I had forgotten earlier. (I believe there are two but I can only recall one in this particular moment):

A game yesterday. A game that Makayla has been waiting on for some time. We used to play it together when Nyssa was younger and taking naps. Then, when Mama took the other computer, that had stopped. When I tried to install it on this laptop there were problems with the Disc. Yesterday the replacement finally came and the game runs perfectly. Mak will be so thrilled.

So, there are two areas in my life where I am consistently and constantly being told that I am nothing but an asshole/prick. It seems no matter how I try to handle myself, the moment I speak how I feel I am being difficult and an asshole.

One area is my family and one is mama.

This is what I was seeking with my earlier post about insight, even if I wasn't completely clear on that. Since there are never third parties present to witness these events I am at a loss. It seems no matter what I say or do I am wrong, and that is, plainly, how they feel.

I am not beyond being wrong. I am not claiming to 'not be an asshole.' It is totally In fact, I will openly tell you that the longer the difficulties persist the sharpr my tongue becomes. Where my quandry lies is that it seems the moment I open my mouth and speak the truth of how I feel I am being a smartass or an asshole or a prick.

The Shaman and I talked today and he believes I get to attached to all of this nonsense. Basically that I am giving them my power ut continuously responding. In fact, Siggy once told me that my biggest problem is that I don't know when to walk away.

When I told The Shaman, I think the reason people have problems with me when we fight is that I say thinks that actually make sense."

"You speak the truth."

I need someone to read the words that follow, the conversation that was, and tell me...was I being an asshole? Because I didn't think I was.

But don't misunderstand...by the end of the second dialogue I was being a total prick. I said what I said because I knew it would push buttons. But I did it with love and light in my heart and no malintent intended.

Just a lil good natured ribbing to get the blood pumping, I suppose.

 Now there are two conversations you will read. Both were had through texts, so I am not confusing words.

I mentioned two nights ago that I had sent a message to Mama seeking peace between us. As of this morning I had not received a response. So, I probed a little more. This is what happened:

(I am going to use colors to mark the difference in people txting. It's easier that way. I will be the white txt (since the bad guy always wears white and I am apparently the bad guy in this little tale.)

Is been about 2 days. I am curious. I am to infer from your unresponsiveness and silence that u don't wish to make peace?

i dont really have much to say on the matter

So...u don't want peace? U do? Or u just don't know?

Yeah sure it would b nice but ur not exactly the easiest person 2 get along w. 

So u say...but ur not either...so i say...hence the problem. So how do we fix it?

 Idk...communicate when necessary. my main issue is that u claim to have so much work (or so the girls say) yet u have no  2 help w them. maybe we would

have  2 treat them 2 special activities like renting movies, golfing, beach vacations, etc. if we had some help from ur end. it isnt fair that ur able

2 do those things w them and we have to take care of all their necessities

Well see thats what u dont understand...the more work i have the more im driving the more gas i use the more money it costs me. Its a catch 22. And my work doesn't pay great

   

10 an hour and i usually get about 10-20 hours a week depending on wats available

  

The other work is video work and as u know i dont see money for that unless they sell

   

Its not like i have extra money lying around. I rarely finish a week with extra cash in my pocket. And if i do it goes to doing things with the girls. Yes.

Yeah i get that. but dont u think since u dont have enough 2 support urself or help w the girls that u should look 4 something that pays consistantly

and do all the other stuff 4 extra .

What makes you think i don't. I do. But so far no luck. Besides...i am happy just to accept the work that god puts before me and make the most of it

so y should u get to do things w them when we have 2 make di and get creative doing fun things at home that r free.

  

but what u don't understand is that i find cheap or free ways to what i do with the girls. All these movies....cost me 10 bucks at a time when i had 10 bucks in my pocket...unlimited rentals. 2 at a time until next thursday

Well all fine and dandy but that 10 dollars could have gone towards dance or school supplies.

ok well idk what else 2 say.

Yes...which i told u was coming this friday...although now i have to get the car taken care of first

 So i spent the 10 dollars. Big deal. Thats where we get into problems. u sit over there thinking u know best and try to tell me how to manage my life when u know nothing about it

 I told u i would pay half that stuff and i will. But i also told u i would have to work towards things. I can't manifest it till i know what it is...and even then it takes time

I don't either. I do the best i can each day. But i don't see u trying to change ur life. U keep waiting on me

y would i need to change my life. our needs r taken care of but my point is that u get to look like the fun guy bc we r able to 2 foot the bill. u cant just

wait around 4 god to make  appear

But thats what god does. u have nothing that god hasn't made appear. And i can. Because i have seen it work before time and time again. Ask and ye shall receive

The jobs i have now r the jobs god gave me after i prayed and told him to show me what work i was to do. The next day they came. So imake the most of them and struggle through because for some reason its where god wants me

 The difference between u and i is that i live the life god has given me and stay grateful and content in that. When he wishes me to have more...i will have more...and then i can give u money more readily

 I do the best i can each day, each week. What u dont realize is that every time. What u don't realize is that every time i spend money on them i give something up. Sometimes its food. Sometimes its gas.

Well u shouldnt have to give up food or gas. i have a list started of what has been spent recently. ill give it 2 u sat.

So now if u can accept that if u tell me what u spend that u will eventually get half of it we should b ok

Fair enough. And i will give u what i can when i can. I have the car to do this weekend. And i need to look ahead to nyssas birthday cause i wont get a bulk pay again until after and i do want to have something for her before that

 I also have dvds to get out that were preordered. If i ge the pay i believe im getting friday i should be able to give u 50 to cover sept dance and the three school supplies u told me about before

 Ok but im pretty sure god also wants u 2 b able 2 help ur children have a fulfilling life.

He does and thats exactly what theyre getting. They seem pretty fulfilled to me. dont live in the future. Live in the now. Ans right now our daughters are very happy and healthy. They see no lack in their lives...U may but they dont. God provides them with all they need

 K

Thank u

ok

And then, later in the day, as I returned home from mowing The Baker's lawn, I ound the following txts and this is the discussion that ensued:

Nyssas upset bc she says ur going away 4 8 days. i would appreciate being told this type of thing around the same time u tell the girls 1. so that im n

ot hearing it from them 2. so that im prepared in advance 2 comfort them 3. so that i will know if ill have them on ur days or whatever the case may b

Well...what ur hearing is not necessarily what is happening

I am looking into a job that would have me on the road for 8 days at a time. i did discuss it with the girls. But i didnt feel it necessary to discuss it with anyone else

I was going to tell u about it this weekend. But the girls and them being upset about me being away is precisely y i probably wont take the job

Besides...how do u expect that i could/would talk to u about it when all uve done is fight w/me for the last three weeks and i have to do all m communicating thru txt

I dont have to answere to u jessi. If it was something u needed to know about i would have told u. Next time just try asking me what its all about

I would appreciate not getting txts with accusing tones...because thats how fights start

It doesn't matter how i ask i would get the same smart ass remarks either way. i would appreciate knowing y nussa was miserable other than

her saying dady going away.

And next time if its not something ur possitive ur doing and u know itll upset them maybe it would b wise not to mention it to them.

See...and im the difficult one. Im telling u if u try asking instead of accusing u wouldnt...in fact u didnt get any smart ass remarks...but u might now...

I will discuss things with the children as i choose because it was a matter between them and me and i value their insight and feelings on things

Perhaps u should try not being so hypersenitive about things. And u should def stop telling me how u thnk i should handle the children. U gave that right up when u left me

I wasnt accusing in aany way. i told u i would appreciate knowing y she was upset and y. its as simple as that. but of course u must turn it into something

it wasn't

Well then i misinterpreted ur intent as muuch as u misinterpreted mine. Hence the problem with only communicating thru txts

thats grat...i value their sanity and stability and when u choose 2 mess w those things bc u value their opinion i have the right 2 know y.

How u handle them is every bit as much my business. when u do someting that i disagree w i will tell u. and i dont think it was nec 2 tell them this in

fo wo knowing 4 sure. nyssa didnt understnd the maybe aspect of it. she just heard u say u were going away. so maybe explain it so ur sure they understa

nd or dont at all. they have school 2 worry about they dont need extra worry wondering about daddy going away.

Im not messing with anything. Im sorry nyssa got upset. But u need to chill. U assumed that i was keeping something from u and u approached me from that stand point instead of simply asking

So then u wont mind if i monitor all u do and interject into the goings on in ur home if i dissapprove

All i said was that i would appreciate being told things so that i know how 2 handle them. and the last time i tried asking u something i was told it wa

s none of my business so now how shall i approach it?!

Just as i was told...excep not by u but by a man who has no say in anything

U can gladly have an opinion. but u make it quite clear that my opinion on things that go on there dont matter so dont expect urs 2 matter here.

I am beginning to think u want to fight and u need me to be a bad guy

So then y should we even bother voicing our opinions...insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results

And when u can voice and opinion about something that truly harms or endangers the girls instead of petty shit that just makes u feel superior then maybe id v willing

U turned this into what it has become. i simply made a request out of concern.

U made a request in an assiniune and "threatining" manner. U spoke down to me as if i had violated u in some way and u tried to tell me how to handle our daughters

In turn i made a request and u got even more accusatory and demeaning...u turned this into what it is as u always ddo and then blkame me

ok whatever. this is y i cannot speak 2 u. pointless.

U have the same victim conciousness as ur grandmother and i think i will just take to calling u janet

now THAT was me being a smartass

And i feel the same way...if i had sent u the same txt u sent me initially u would have come at me with both barrels blasting...

No that was u being ur usual asshole self.

Yes miss

;-P

Dont worry...perhaps if i keep praying, the blood of jesus will eventually wash away ur evil.

Perhaps u should pray for ur own sins to be washed away. God and i r ok...but thanx for ur concern

Perhaps the girls and i will pray to shiva to banish ur demons

those girls are born again, spirit filled christians and ur nonsense shive bs will not affect their love for jesus. fyi.

Im not trying to do anything to their love of jesus. i educate them on jesus often and ur born afain nonsense truly means nothing in the grand scheme of things

I forgive u and bless ur little black heart

And ur the one w the demons. theyre quite obvious esp when ur angry.

It is the demons that are less obvious that are most dangerous

k.

Was jesus demon filled all those times he got angry?

And that is where those dialogues ceased. You have it all, letter for letter, character for character - including typos.

Did I start as a prick? Was I an asshole? Was I wrong? I sincerely wish to know.

Now...just for fun...this is a conversation that came later. I share it more for my own amusement:

And...just so ur prepared...i will b calling to talk to the girls, especially nyssa

k

[Phone call happens]

Oh...and if u can get to the internet in the near future both of our txt conversations from today will b posted in full. U may want to check it out. Www.revgeist.blogspot.com...or on my facebook page.

Yeah sure whatever

Of course...roflmao

Yeah thats totally histerical. wow. u really need to get a life.

U ammuse me janet...i have a life. A life provided by God. And it is glorious and magnificent. Thank u

Thats a joke

I kno...i believe i was the one making it :-P

I love u

 What? No love back? Good lil christian

And that was me being a smartass. I just wanted u to have some examples so u could tell the difference

go away. were trying 2 enjoy our dinner

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha......

Ur psychotic. u should go check urself in.

Go enjoy ur dinner

whatever

And now there will be 3 conversations out there for the world to enjoy and muse thru

O btw,  4 the record i have not given u permission 2 post anything pertaining 2 me. just 2 make that very clear.

Ok...so sue me

  
And since we're on a roll, I thought one for good measure might be in order:

And...for the record...two weeks ago after our fight the girls cried t ome about the cops coming to the house. A fact they wouldn't have known unless u or someone in ur family mentioned it within earshot of them. And they were afraid daddy was going back to prison.

Where was ur concern for their sanity and stability then?

Because after that was settled we had to relive what DID happen when daddy went to prison. And they cried all the way back to alburtis. But u didnt see me txting u and reading u the riot act over ur obvious stupidity.

So y dont u save ur holy roller bs for someone else?

The last set of txts I sent was spawned as I rewrote the originals here. I have yet to hear a response from those but I iwll be glad to share when I do.  

Thoughts?