The Door: Quest In Order; Ch. 3 - Excerpt From A Questor's Journal
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
1000
New Moon (blue moon, what ya gonna do moon)
Overcast (had rained)
Strangely well-rested
Nicotine Cravings (may still succumb)
Peaceful, but hazy (much like the sky)
I have been wanting to sit and write since...well, the last time I sat and wrote. Life has been a whirlwind since the Princesses arrived. The first three days were strange in and of themselves. Friday we tried to get everyone acclimated to the week and settled into their lives. Saturday we had a yard sale in the morning, including a home-made lemonade stand...
...and here I am 13 1/2 hrs later. What started as a very quiet and slow day quickly bolted to the opposite end of the spectrum. This is the first moment I have truly had all day to be with my thoughts and myself.
I think at this point it may be true confession time...
I AM SCARED SHITLESS ABOUT THIS TRIP
I have such a knot of anticipation in my gut.
(Deep breath.)
I don't think it is fear of anything bad happening. I think anticipation is truly the most appropriate word.
If you think about it, I have been anticipating this moment for at least 14 years. This is it.
"This is The Moment"
(But in the end, twill it be Jeckyll or The Hyde who emerges...)
I find my feelings on it all so very interesting. I have done this before. Many times and in many ways. Never did I have money. Never did I have any kind of a reliable vehicle.
Never did I give it a thought. (And yet, here I am to tell about it.)
But somehow, this time...these things are on my mind and I have found myself worrying or questioning. I remember when this all began. I truly set out to do it sensibly and responsibly. I devised and set into motion a plan of preparedness.
I'm not even sure if I can tell you what happened to that plan. Pieces of it have emerged in, sometimes, interesting ways but the big things - the important things - have ne'er appeared. And now, I find them to be practically unattainable. There is so much that 'should' be done to the van. The money has been teetering between near scarcity and just enough (at just the right moment) for so long now that it almost creates the illusion of wealth. It is a strange void to live in - seeing so little before you and knowing so much is ahead. You look at this pittance in your hand and are baffled at how it will ever happen....and yet before you know it, it has.
If I had any good sense or practicality about me I most certainly would not embark on this trip.
Unfortunately, that is not the case. Not now. It cannot be. The Quest is an entirely different experience. It is almost a mirrored reflection - identical...only in reverse. Rules apply. Just not the ones to which we have adjusted ourselves.
The game is on and there is no tuning back. Whatever happens, happens - good, bad or indifferent. It's happening. It's been happening for weeks - The Shifts, The Revelations...The everything.
I often wonder just how people are truly reacting to the notion of it all. Sometimes you can see it in their face or hear it in their tone or the way they wrap their words around their tongues. Some are very upfront, "You're a damn fool for doing so...may God truly be with you."
That's the part. That's the one that seems to go beneath the radar. There ware two words in the name of it all and one of them is practically non-existent, missed by both eye and ear. The one everyone catches is Quest and that is the one that will delude their minds and dilute the true meaning of it all. For you see, the mind, when it stumbles upon words, immediately begins to translate and associate. So, here, Quest becomes Journey. A Journey is a Trip. (And of course, I am driving.) So, now I am embarking on a Road Trip. But, of course...it is a Vacation.
Again, sadly, such is not the case.
The first word in the name of it all is the important word. It is the Qualifier. Yes this is a Journey, a Road Trip even, if you like. But it is not a Vacation. A Vacation is about relaxing and refreshing. It is strictly recreational. Though I am sure there will be plenty of good times to be had along the way, this is most certainly not strictly recreational.
This is a Spiritual Quest. It is a journey of the soul and...of the spirit. Of The Spirit.
I know people like to think that the 'Spiritual' side of Life is debatable, but it really is not. It is the other half of Life. As Above, So Below; As Below., So Above. There is the Physical Life we know and there is the Spiritual Life for which each of us truly yearns.
This Spiritual Life requires no deity to exist. (Though I choose to allow it one.) It is just the other half of how Life works. Whereas the Physical Life is The Knowable and The Explainable; The Bendable and The Attainable - The Spiritual Life is more of the subtle nuances, the in betweens - the almost heards and never seens.
It is the 64th ART.
All existence is energy. Even basic Science tells us this. And, if we watch through scientific bifocals we find that energy has it's own rules it lives by. It is frequencies and currents and vibrations. It has it's own conduits and Laws of Attraction.
All we see is alive.
Everything has Spirit within for Spirit is merely the Energy of Living. Even a Rock vibrates at a molecular level. Find the vibration, the frequency of the Rock, and you can become one with it.
(What you do from there is your own Karma.)
At this point on my personal journey I do dedicate and focus my Spiritual Life on A Divine Source. Some days it is a G-D, others she is a Goddess, still others there is more of a Universal Oneness.
It is The Force of the Jedi. There is something astounding that works in all our lives. And this Quest is for that.
For 13 years I have been a 'legally ordained minister.' For 15, I have been a devotee to this 'Phe-Nom-E-Non' that is. It is true that so often and so deeply I have lost my way on that path. (But those are dissertations and diversions for another time.) But, I have never forgotten what my devotion was - what I set out to do. I have never forgotten my promise.
There are so many things that go with the Spirit side of Life - Creation, Inspiration, Revelation. (And even a Scientist needs those.)
This is a journey taken on Faith - as were the ones before it. Faith, of course, being one of the 9 Fruits of the Spirit bestowed upon each of us (at some time, or another.)
In the days when Freedom reigned My Life the goal was simple. Change the World. But how does one change the world? Why, one person at a time. And, each person has their time, their moment, when it all changes. But, there was another Spirit within that was reckless and careless and dangerous. The duality of Life the The Remus and Romulus.
(Or Cain and Abel...if you prefer.)
I have been fortunate and blessed in my digressions. Now may I make the most of that fortune and return to what it was I was doing. The flip side of the looking glass was not without purpose though. (There truly is much wisdom hidden within the Darkness.) But remember...Only Fools Rush In.
In an effort to release it - so that what needs to happen can happen - I've got a few vies that need to be notated -
I've already known there is a career shift on the horizon, but I never really understood what that meant. I still don't. However, I am getting the strongest sense that there is a possibility that I actually will not return to work next week. (Only time will tell.)
I've commented several times on the significance (I'm aware of) of this place or that. A new one has appeared. However, I do not know where it is. I only know what it is. It is like a Shore-Town. It made me think of New England, but I am not going that way. So somewhere, there is a Cape, or perhaps, a Lake to capture me. (I wonder what of The Lady...)
(Sigh.)
I sense a very big shift. I am trying not to attach my own translation of it. Personal Filters can muck up the works in situations like this. I only pray it is nothing tragic. (Unfortunate and sad is different story.)
Well, Life is not standing still very well this week and The Princesses and I have a lot to do yet. So, I should probably put all these electronics someplace self and crawl into the tent for a short, Summer's nap. (The Children are nestled, you know.)
I hope to check-in again soon.
1000
New Moon (blue moon, what ya gonna do moon)
Overcast (had rained)
Strangely well-rested
Nicotine Cravings (may still succumb)
Peaceful, but hazy (much like the sky)
I have been wanting to sit and write since...well, the last time I sat and wrote. Life has been a whirlwind since the Princesses arrived. The first three days were strange in and of themselves. Friday we tried to get everyone acclimated to the week and settled into their lives. Saturday we had a yard sale in the morning, including a home-made lemonade stand...
...and here I am 13 1/2 hrs later. What started as a very quiet and slow day quickly bolted to the opposite end of the spectrum. This is the first moment I have truly had all day to be with my thoughts and myself.
I think at this point it may be true confession time...
I AM SCARED SHITLESS ABOUT THIS TRIP
I have such a knot of anticipation in my gut.
(Deep breath.)
I don't think it is fear of anything bad happening. I think anticipation is truly the most appropriate word.
If you think about it, I have been anticipating this moment for at least 14 years. This is it.
"This is The Moment"
(But in the end, twill it be Jeckyll or The Hyde who emerges...)
I find my feelings on it all so very interesting. I have done this before. Many times and in many ways. Never did I have money. Never did I have any kind of a reliable vehicle.
Never did I give it a thought. (And yet, here I am to tell about it.)
But somehow, this time...these things are on my mind and I have found myself worrying or questioning. I remember when this all began. I truly set out to do it sensibly and responsibly. I devised and set into motion a plan of preparedness.
I'm not even sure if I can tell you what happened to that plan. Pieces of it have emerged in, sometimes, interesting ways but the big things - the important things - have ne'er appeared. And now, I find them to be practically unattainable. There is so much that 'should' be done to the van. The money has been teetering between near scarcity and just enough (at just the right moment) for so long now that it almost creates the illusion of wealth. It is a strange void to live in - seeing so little before you and knowing so much is ahead. You look at this pittance in your hand and are baffled at how it will ever happen....and yet before you know it, it has.
If I had any good sense or practicality about me I most certainly would not embark on this trip.
Unfortunately, that is not the case. Not now. It cannot be. The Quest is an entirely different experience. It is almost a mirrored reflection - identical...only in reverse. Rules apply. Just not the ones to which we have adjusted ourselves.
The game is on and there is no tuning back. Whatever happens, happens - good, bad or indifferent. It's happening. It's been happening for weeks - The Shifts, The Revelations...The everything.
I often wonder just how people are truly reacting to the notion of it all. Sometimes you can see it in their face or hear it in their tone or the way they wrap their words around their tongues. Some are very upfront, "You're a damn fool for doing so...may God truly be with you."
That's the part. That's the one that seems to go beneath the radar. There ware two words in the name of it all and one of them is practically non-existent, missed by both eye and ear. The one everyone catches is Quest and that is the one that will delude their minds and dilute the true meaning of it all. For you see, the mind, when it stumbles upon words, immediately begins to translate and associate. So, here, Quest becomes Journey. A Journey is a Trip. (And of course, I am driving.) So, now I am embarking on a Road Trip. But, of course...it is a Vacation.
Again, sadly, such is not the case.
The first word in the name of it all is the important word. It is the Qualifier. Yes this is a Journey, a Road Trip even, if you like. But it is not a Vacation. A Vacation is about relaxing and refreshing. It is strictly recreational. Though I am sure there will be plenty of good times to be had along the way, this is most certainly not strictly recreational.
This is a Spiritual Quest. It is a journey of the soul and...of the spirit. Of The Spirit.
I know people like to think that the 'Spiritual' side of Life is debatable, but it really is not. It is the other half of Life. As Above, So Below; As Below., So Above. There is the Physical Life we know and there is the Spiritual Life for which each of us truly yearns.
This Spiritual Life requires no deity to exist. (Though I choose to allow it one.) It is just the other half of how Life works. Whereas the Physical Life is The Knowable and The Explainable; The Bendable and The Attainable - The Spiritual Life is more of the subtle nuances, the in betweens - the almost heards and never seens.
It is the 64th ART.
All existence is energy. Even basic Science tells us this. And, if we watch through scientific bifocals we find that energy has it's own rules it lives by. It is frequencies and currents and vibrations. It has it's own conduits and Laws of Attraction.
All we see is alive.
Everything has Spirit within for Spirit is merely the Energy of Living. Even a Rock vibrates at a molecular level. Find the vibration, the frequency of the Rock, and you can become one with it.
(What you do from there is your own Karma.)
At this point on my personal journey I do dedicate and focus my Spiritual Life on A Divine Source. Some days it is a G-D, others she is a Goddess, still others there is more of a Universal Oneness.
It is The Force of the Jedi. There is something astounding that works in all our lives. And this Quest is for that.
For 13 years I have been a 'legally ordained minister.' For 15, I have been a devotee to this 'Phe-Nom-E-Non' that is. It is true that so often and so deeply I have lost my way on that path. (But those are dissertations and diversions for another time.) But, I have never forgotten what my devotion was - what I set out to do. I have never forgotten my promise.
There are so many things that go with the Spirit side of Life - Creation, Inspiration, Revelation. (And even a Scientist needs those.)
This is a journey taken on Faith - as were the ones before it. Faith, of course, being one of the 9 Fruits of the Spirit bestowed upon each of us (at some time, or another.)
In the days when Freedom reigned My Life the goal was simple. Change the World. But how does one change the world? Why, one person at a time. And, each person has their time, their moment, when it all changes. But, there was another Spirit within that was reckless and careless and dangerous. The duality of Life the The Remus and Romulus.
(Or Cain and Abel...if you prefer.)
I have been fortunate and blessed in my digressions. Now may I make the most of that fortune and return to what it was I was doing. The flip side of the looking glass was not without purpose though. (There truly is much wisdom hidden within the Darkness.) But remember...Only Fools Rush In.
In an effort to release it - so that what needs to happen can happen - I've got a few vies that need to be notated -
I've already known there is a career shift on the horizon, but I never really understood what that meant. I still don't. However, I am getting the strongest sense that there is a possibility that I actually will not return to work next week. (Only time will tell.)
I've commented several times on the significance (I'm aware of) of this place or that. A new one has appeared. However, I do not know where it is. I only know what it is. It is like a Shore-Town. It made me think of New England, but I am not going that way. So somewhere, there is a Cape, or perhaps, a Lake to capture me. (I wonder what of The Lady...)
(Sigh.)
I sense a very big shift. I am trying not to attach my own translation of it. Personal Filters can muck up the works in situations like this. I only pray it is nothing tragic. (Unfortunate and sad is different story.)
Well, Life is not standing still very well this week and The Princesses and I have a lot to do yet. So, I should probably put all these electronics someplace self and crawl into the tent for a short, Summer's nap. (The Children are nestled, you know.)
I hope to check-in again soon.
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