Father’s Day
June 18, 2011 – 2325
Hey Gang! Welcome to my life, where anything is possible and nothing is as it seems. I’m the Rev. Matt and I’ll be your host – coming at you from within the depths of Geistopia.
It is Saturday, June 18, 2011 (barely.) Time…forgiving.
What is goin’ on? Oh boy folks, hold on to your seats. The coaster’s leavin’ the platform (and it’s on a mission.) Please keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times. Wait until the ride comes to a complete stop before exiting. Don’t blink. Hold your breath. Forget what you know….and prepare to fly.
Oh….and please enjoy your ride.
I am in a place this evening, folks. I feel as though I could write for three hours and still not dent in the wanton thoughts trampling on my mind.
(long pause for station identification….. resumed at 0040)
Allow me to point out that it is now SSSSSSSSUUUUUUNNNNNNNday, June 19, 2011. Father’s Day! (Thank you very much.) Time….connected….
Now where was I?
Oh yeah. Preparing to ramble and rant incessantly. (You still up for that?)
So here we go. It has been a fantastical several days full of love, laughter, rage, enchantment and the bittersweet pang of LIFE. My nostrils are aflare with the pungent aroma of the aftermath of the coition of existence.
It is now that I must tell you, as is dictated under The Law, that I hide something in everything. The most nonsensical statement or sequence may very well be the most important. Of course, that all depends on who is reading it.
(Don’t worry….I make most of them pretty obvious.)
Theme of the Week
Educate
There are so many places I can find this theme infiltrating my life – and in at least two forms. There’s the obvious – never stop learning. In fact, that’s pretty much a Principle, right? That corny, canned catch phrase – You learn something new every day. (And if you don’t, you should.) Then there’s the next logical thought – Do your best to educate others. (Not by teaching, but by sharing.)
Observation of the Week
In Every Man’s Quest To Be Himself, He Must Become What He Is Not.
I’m not even getting into this – way too complex for the moment. (Just follow along…it may become clear.)
Sadly, at this point, I am still awaiting Lesson of the Week. (Or at least waiting to understand it.)
So…..on with the show….
Vacation has started!!! Wow. It is not a vacation as one may imagine in the mind. There is no picturesque landscape titillating the eyeballs. (Barring the one from my back window of course.) There are no luxury accommodations beyond the couch on which I lay my body at night. And, the Rest & Relaxation sneak their way in between work and errands.
For me, vacation is defined as “extended time spent with my daughters.” Do not misunderstand (or even misinterpret, for that matter.) We had plans. There were things we had hoped to do on this vacation. But, life being what life is, it was not to come to fruition. When I finally allowed myself to acknowledge this a few weeks ago I wondered how I could turn this failure into a memorable experience. (Ask & Ye Shall Receive.)
The next time I saw my daughters, I sat them down and talked to them about vacation. I told them daddy thought for a long time and talked to God. I said, “We’re going to give this vacation to God. We’re going to go where he needs us, when he needs us there. He promises to throw in a little adventure, but we’re gonna give this vacation to him.”
If I knew then, what I know now, I may not have been so quick to freely throw caution to the Divine Winds and give them such control. Again, please do not get me wrong. It has been an extraordinary ride. In fact, it has been so perfect, so sublime, that one almost has to question the reality of it all. I can not even begin to explain the last three days, or the path that has been laid out before us. There has been work, and play, and learning and growing and experiencing. We have done yard work, played, gone to a birthday party, had a date, washed the car, laughed, cried, celebrated, camped out, laid a stone fire pit, learned basic masonry (please see “laid a stone fire pit”), and on and on and on. Daddy has worked hard, moved fast and juggled a lot. His feet are only now touching their toes to the ground.
It has been so far from the ideal family vacation. However, I think Makayla summed it up best our first night.
As we lay in bed getting ready to sleep (I put them to bed then move to the couch) we talked about our day, as we always do. (Bedtime routine = brush teeth, say prayers (of some sort), talk about the day we spent and the day ahead, stories, movie **negotiable as necessary*)
I apologized to them. I told them daddy was very sorry that we weren’t having the vacation that we talked about and hoped for. I told them I was sorry that it was gonna be so crazy for the first few days.
Makayla looks up at me, and as she reaches to give me the softest, sweetest hug I have ever been blessed to know, says, “It’s the perfect vacation…because we get to spend it with you.”
(Out of the mouth of babes.)
I never told her this, and perhaps I should tomorrow, but that was my lesson for that day.
[psssst…..I’m gonna play wit your head for moment. This is one of those times you don’t wanna blink.]
I si JE-sus
It is now 0135. I should be headed to bed. ‘Twill not be long until the young ones arise heralding the excitement (and possibly even insanity) of a new day. Yet, I have just now received Lesson of the Week. My journey has just begun. I can not finish – can not be done – until the whole of the tale has been spun. It was my intention tonight to sit down and write until I could write no more, until thoughts left to share – to fill in the gaps and to set the stage. I wanted to be able to awake in the morning renewed and rejuvenated without a care or a thought in the world (because there would be none left to have.)
(Are you sure you’re ready for this? Mwahahahaha)
Lesson of the Week
Live To Serve; Serve To Live
I would think it unnecessary to mention that I tend to do a lot of self-reflection. (Yet…I’ll do so anyway.) If you follow sources such as The Celestine Prophecy, if you allow yourself a good, thorough review of your life you will find patterns emerging. Little bumps on the timeline of your journey where you say, “Wait….that’s pointing me in that direction,” “Wait…there it is again,” “Wait…”
As I Int[re]trospect (work it out….its there) I find that one of the truest theme in my life (Or as James Redfield would say – What I find my life training me to do is “Live to serve; Serve to live.”
[For what you want, be willing to give…]
All of this will possibly make the rest of this post seem a lil obscure. (As if it doesn’t already.)
When last I wrote, I spoke of the glory of Joyce Meyer and alluded to the “Ex” debacle. I think it important to start here with Joyce once more. Even though I said I wouldn’t, nor couldn’t, touch on the points of her message that stood out to me I think I need to do just that. The timing of it all was just too appropriate, too….[Divinely] timed.
As referenced in the scripture quoted, her sermon was on suffering and the necessity of it to living and being. We all must suffer. There is no way around it. It is REALITY. Each of us will know pain. It was Buddha’s first observation of the world as he was discovering it.
All of life is suffering.
It is everywhere. We can not escape it. It is as real as real can be.
The ILLUSION is how affects us.
The native Americans have a saying, “That which you resist persists.” (And that which you accept disappears.)
The sermon went on to say that Satan… {[grrr this is one of my biggest pet peeves.] (Bite the tongue, bite the tongue.) [for now] (of course)}…that Satan must inflict suffering upon us. She says that, “we must be tested in our faith.” {[Shouldn’t that be obvious?]}
But it’s true. Though, it doesn’t have to sound all “Hellfire and Damnation!!!”
We must be tested.
How can you stand on your convictions if no one has ever toppled them?
How can you possibly know how strong you truly are until you have had to use your strength.
How do you learn, grow, achieve or advance if you don’t have a foundation built upon failures?
Joyce went on to point out that suffering occurs when you stay where you don’t want to be for another person. My resonation with this statement is the bane of my existence. [‘Nough said on that.]
The next point she made that resonated with me really stands out, for I think it has always been my greatest downfall. Joyce says (and, yes, I am paraphrasing inside of quotes. Deal with it Yo!)….Joyce says, “Listen, if you’re happy with yourself – If you think you are a good, caring, honest person – do not allow what others say or think deter you in anyway.” {Matthew’s eisegesis: “Don’t let the bastards get ya down!”}
Finally…how to deal with it all. When life has you down, when life has you down and people are persecuting you – beating you down and deflating the vision of the life you create – what do you do?
Give it to G-D. AMEN. [AU-MEN; A-MON; RA]
When someone (life) attacks you, do not attack back. Brush it off and give it over. Turn the other cheek. (Just remember…what goes around comes around.)
[My G-D, if you only knew how perfect the music playing has been.]
Folks, this is a lesson I have yet to truly learn. I get it. I understand. But, in practise, I am unable to achieve it.
Allow me to demonstrate.
The “Ex” Debacle
Thursday I picked the girls up for vacation. A d, if I had to sum up the experience [everything that happened] it would have to be, “Holy shit!”
There was an outburst. Things sort of came to a head. It was totally inevitable and it is long overdue. Once again, looking back over it all [and trying to be as honest as I can] there has been this underlying rivalry betwixt Mama and I. I mean it’s been there. It’s been obvious. Little jabs being had back and forth (oh and in so many different forms.)
{to be continued later. must rest head. or…..do I break on through? Do I challenge it? Do I push the limits?}
[Fuck no! Children. Day. Morning. Soon.]
0233.
{I want to take a moment to point out that for the full scope of my day, please see the accompanying videos.}
2309
Well, here we are, quite a few hours later and I finally have time to finish my story…now where was I?
{This should give you an example of how crazy it has been….}
1035 [06/20/2011]
{I was going to do it in two posts but I decided it doesn’t work the same if I break it up. So, I have moment where I am able to think uninterrupted and I thought I would take advantage of it….now, seriously….where was I?}
Ahhhh…yes. Thursday. Please understand, I think I need to clarify something. This is the kind of story that I thought I had vowed not to tell anymore and it is also the kind of drama folks seem to eat up. I found myself conflicted as to whether I really wanted to go here, but then I have been conflicted over this for some time. (As the story will show.) However, I came to the conclusion that there is something within this tale for me and the only way to bring it out is to…well….bring it out. Tell the story and let it unfold. So I am going to do my best to tell the story as honestly and openly as I can. (Of course, I have interjections along the way.)
Thursday didn’t even start off great. As I was saying, there is this great underlying tension between Mama and I. The true source, and even momentum, of the tension I suppose will be determined by the reader. What also may be up for interpretation is exactly when it began.
To give a little flavor to the story and perhaps whet your curiosity a tit or a tad….here’s a brief summary of the backstory{or at least, here is my interpretation based on my own ideas, bias or the like:}
Break-up. Bad. Boyfriend. “Whore!”; PFA?; Full Custody?; “Say what?”; [struggle, struggle]; {prison time}; Support; Nothing; “Support?”; Lost jobs – starting over…..blah, blah, blah.
You get the idea. (Okay. So maybe you don’t, but follow along anyway.) We do not get along. We pretend very well. We really do. For the most part, we pretend very well. But then every once in a while an issue will creep up and before you know it the can of worms has grown into a mountain. (Really. It works. Go with it.)
The last time we had a mountain before us it was over vacation. The very vacation I am enjoying now. Jessi didn’t like my “vacation proposal” and suddenly we’re fighting over support, or she’s challenging my ability to provide for my daughters during said vacation.
This time it was something a little more delicate.
And, I knew this. That is why I wrestled with it for a month before really bringing to the table. {And I do mean I wrestled with it. All the way up until the end.} I even “fired a warning shot,” if you will, two weeks prior. I threw it on the table and swept it under the carpet all in one swift motion. Basically, look this is an issue and I’m looking for some resolution now. Please let me know what’s going on.
The issue is this – essentially, Jessi has been without a vehicle for over four months. She had an accident in February (maybe late January) and by the time her vehicle was repaired – his needed work. She borrowed a van from her uncle that ended up not working after a few weeks. She had borrowed my van for a week and even a weekend. She has been getting escorted around by whomever is available. Needless to say the same is then true for the children. As a family they live just to the right of The Middle of Nowhere, up in the mountains of Fleetwood/Oley. I know this because I have been driving up there to pick up and drop off the girls.
Anyway, about a month or so ago, I began wondering just what happens in an emergency situation. How does I all go? Can they get where they need to get when they need to get there?
{I think this is a really fair question.}
Now folks, I’m not going to say that I am good in any kind of confrontational situation. I do not usually respond well if confronted (in particularly if feeling “attacked”) and I never seem to win when confronting. I know when something is gonna stir the hornets, so I usually mill it over for a long time before I approach it. Now, I do my my best to not go in as an attack. I do, though, try to just speak plain and direct. And somehow, as the stories seem to go, I go around attacking a lot of people. So, obviously, I am flawed somewhere in this maneuver. I mean, how is it the one thing you wish to avoid or not be is the one thing that somehow manifests.
When the time came two weeks ago to approach the subject I tried to speak direct. Perhaps my approach was lacking:
“Jessi…{could be some dialogue here. Uncertain. Will not guess.} (Besides that’s not really what you’re after anyway)…I’ve been thinking about this for a while now, ever since you took David to the E.R., and you can not continue to be alone on that mountain, with three kids, and not have a vehicle.”
“I know.”
“Well, talk about it with Dave, see what the plan is and let me know…{and we can go from there?}”
“The plan is…Dave’s waiting to get paid and then he’s getting the truck fixed”
“Ok. So, what are we talking? A week? Two? A month?”
“Well hopefully it’s not that long…”
“Ok well just let me know.”
Two weeks, and another car accident, later, it’s time to pick up the girls.
Thursday morning starts rough. I text Jessi to ask when I should leave to pick the girls up. {I had previously told her I would get them right after they ate breakfast.} She texts back that they are just thinking about breakfast and that Nyssa is complaining about her throat. It is red and spotty. She needs to go to the doctor.
Ok. Did you make an appt?
Why would I make an appt? I didn’t know when would be good for you…
{Valid enough point….however…} Because you have them and you know what’s wrong, how long, etc. {and besides you have the insurance information (The girls have Medicaid).} what you’ve been giving her…I don’t know any of that….but I’ll call…. {please note": At this point in our relationship, I feel that ‘communication’ is Jessi’s strongest weakness. It is absolutely my number one frustration and complaint. So, I am a lil over sensitive to such matters.}
Well that makes more sense don’t ya think….it started last night b4 bed and she had ibuprofen b4 bed and this morning.
So I found the doctor’s number and called. You see, I called the family doctor because ever since Makayla was young Jessi was insistent that she wanted her to have a regular doctor. The family doctor doesn’t take the Medicaid. the clinic does. So, we would take the girls to the clinic for shots and such and colds would head off to Topton.
…She goes at 11:45. I’ll pick them up just before that………….u have $20?
Did you make it at the clinic?
No…I made it at Topton.
The clinic is free.
Well….I guess you should have made the appt then because last I knew they only went to the clinic for shots and such.
Yeah I was but if I don’t hafta spend the $ im not gonna
Well…now we have to spend the money…it’s only 20
S, you can see this is off to a real bad start. I took care of what I needed to in the morning and headed off for the girls. When I got there, they were in the house and I went in to get them. All the stuff gathered, I sent the girls off to lad their stuff in the van. Jessi headed up the steps, me a few steps behind and Dave on my tail. When the girls were at the van I turned to jessi…
I saw Dave was working on a truck when I pulled up. Does that solve your situation?
That has nothing to do with it.
Ok…well….Jessi, if you’re not going to have a car soon I’m going to have to ask that they come and stay with me until you do.
Now, I didn’t get those words out before Dave was in my face…
That’s none of your concern.
Those are my daughters! It most certainly is my concern!
(getting further in my face) And who supports your daughters?!?
Are you serious? You don’t speak to me for three years and the first thing you do is jump my ass??
And now the fight is on and it becomes about everything except the one thing I mentioned in the first place. It becomes about support. It becomes about the computer I asked to borrow so I could secure a job with $5000 potential. It even became about a wave. {You see, about a week earlier I was driving down the road and passed him as he was leaving the gas station. So, I smiled and waved.}
Are you a funny man? Smiling and waving…are you funny?
{Yes I suppose I am and it’s even funnier that it bothers you so much. back to the fight…It became about everything except the vehicle and the girls. Somewhere in there he mentioned that the ambulance was right down the street.
Where?
Down the street?
No…..where?
On 662…
Ok then. See…that’s an answer, “down the street,” isn’t
{Now let me interject on the support thing. I do not pay Jessi money every month. Let’s be real – I barely get through most months lately. But this wasn’t an issue for a long time. In fact, it didn’t really become an issue until after I got out of ‘prehab’. At which point I looked stuff up online, gathered information and went back to her. I explained that based on what I was looking at on the website – the things they consider and how it’s all calculated – that she would do better working with me. Since essentially, I had no income. I proposed that she make a list of what she spends on the girls each month – food, clothes, etc. – and I would start giving her what I could and in the mean time I would help with the miscellaneous expenses – doctor, haircuts, pictures, etc.
I didn’t hear another word about it until the middle of March (after she had her new baby) when I got notice from the support office. The meeting was in May. By the time it came along I was jobless and homeless once more. They dismissed the case and asked us to communicate and arrange a deal as we could.
Again, I made the same offer. Again, I heard nothing more about it. In fact, she throws it in my face and then I make an offer and she forgets it until she’s pissed about something. I think my offer is fair – ideal? No. But fair under the conditions and circumstances. So, he jumps my ass….}
That’s none of your {fucking?} concern…
They’re my daughters…it most certainly is…
Back and forth, back and forth.
Are you serious? You don’t speak to me for three years and the first thing you do is jump my ass?
Back and forth, back and forth. I start to walk away and…
If you don’t like it then take it to the court.
[A turn and a smile.] Ok. I will
That takes money.
Not a problem.
You need to have a job to have money.
I have jobs.
Where?
{Several places. Like I need to answer to dickhead like you.}
So back and forth some more and now we move in to the computer. He starts yelling about how I have no right to it {understood} and why should they help me and…
Who would do you any favors?
Plenty of people.
Who?
{White Girl, C.T. Briggs, Siggy, The Putter, The Shaman, The Pillar, My Mother, My Father, The Sitter, Berton, Sir Thomas, Mr. NiceGuy, Ziatonic, Otto, Jojo Dancer….have I made my point yet?
Now again, he makes this point because I was very clear. When I approached Jessica I explained to her what I needed and the potential income involved. I reminded her that several times,es in the past I have asked for help in this arena (increasing income/cutting expenses) and she outright refused me time and time again. I reminded her that she is constantly throwing support in my face – only when it so suits her. And, then, I proceeded to say that they did not need to help me, but if they refused I did not want to hear another word about support because I keep trying and honestly if she wants me to help her at some point she needs to help me help her.}
In the fight, he tells me he’s not my mom and dad and that he’s not going to wipe my ass. And, also informs me that he only got involved when I “started yelling at Jessi.” {Which absolutely boggles my mind. I never yelled at Jessi. We didn’t get far enough into the discussion for that to happen.} Dude follows me all the way to the van. So now he has brought the fight to the girls, which is the one thing I was trying to avoid. (Not that they didn’t hear us anyway.)
So, the girls and I leave, hit the doctor and head home for a moment before running off and getting Nyssa’s prescription. And then there was more…
However, I think this is a good place to stop and reflect and return. I would love to know the eisigesis each of you uncovers. I’m sure there will be much more excitement to come….
For now and forever, from here in Geistopia, I am your beloved Rev wishing you love, light, peace and Freakishness.
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