Keeping It Going

 

Hey Gang! Welcome to my life, where anything is possible and nothing is as it seems. I’m the Rev. Matt and I’ll be your host – coming at you from within the depths of Geistopia. It is Sunday, June 26, 2011. Time….’Strepped'.’

Yup! That’s what I said. I am fairly certain that Nyssa passed her Strep throat on to daddy. It has been a long, uncomfortable day. I tried to go and do some work this morning, but it was only a 25% success. I got through the first of four stores and even that was only barely. I came home and slept for a couple  hours, milled around for a few hours, soaked in a tub not merely long enough, slept for about two more hours and have been milling around for a a few hours. My body is achy and chilled. Truth is, it’s difficult to find the strength and focus to do even this. Yet, here I am. Commitment is commitment and boy have I been committed….errrr…ummm…I mean – I am committed.

So lets see if I can cut to the chase and then hit the sack. I need this to be done tomorrow. I do not have time in my week for another down day. However, I need to point out that I truly believe that that was the whole point to getting sick. I needed a day of rest and I would not have taken one. Hence, God thrust one upon me. And, I am grateful.

Observation of the week:

If you want a woman to notice you…ignore her.

Sounds bizarre, I know. But, I swear to God it’s true. There is this girl at one of the stores I work almost every week. I noticed her the first time I worked there and saw her several times afterwards. I never spoke to her. I mean, I figured it was mostly pointless. I mean – she’s younger, I’m old; She’s beautiful, I’m…well…me. I’m only in the store for an hour to an hour and a half a week. Certainly no point in crossing that line. Besides, the eye candy is nice.

So anyway, time passes on and I start having brief exchanges with another female employee at the store. (Incidentally, a friend of girl #1.) Randomly, two weeks ago, the beauty says hello to me and today, we actually had conversation. It still doesn’t matter. It’s not anything that would ever go anywhere. But interesting as hell.

Theme of the Week:

I am struggling with my own humanity.

Sounds a lil more dramatic than I mean it. I am having difficulty completely transgressing human emotion and reaction to certain things in my life – my fears, my worries, my angers, my hurts. It’s understood. I get that none of this truly matters. There is nothing to fear for the Divine promise is that we will always have what we need. Even Jesus told us, “Do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will take care of itself.” There is nothing to worry over for everything happens for a reason and in the end, I find, everything works out.

In regards to anger, I am not referring more to my innate ability to cut and slash at a person until I have completely brought that person down – and my desire to do so. (Again, I make it sound harsher than it is.) I do not actively seek to utilize this part of myself, but it happens. And, when I am hurt or offended it is magnified.

Take my run-in with the Ex and her…whatever he is. Afterwards, I just wanted to dig an poke and prod…fight back if you will. I eventually moved through most of those feelings, but it is the subtler things that I struggle with most.

For instance, during the argument, I referred to him as an “illiterate mother fucker.” His immediate and obvious response was, “I know how to read.” However, that is not actually the definition of illiterate. It is the most widely accepted association, but it is not the actual definition. In fact, according to Merriam-Webster online, the definition is:

1

: having little or no education; especially: unable to read or write <an illiterate population>

So, now, after our last encounter I have decided that all of our communications are in writing. There will be no more of what happened the other day. I have things I need to tell Jessi and as I was typing the letter, it was hard for me not to make some reference to the illiterate thing. Either in passing or just putting the definition at the bottom. Not a major thing but just a slight jab. A major thing would be the other thing I have been biting my tongue on.

You see, he has been spotted around town once or twice….and not with Jessi. (Oh yes, I keep tabs on him. I keep tabs on anyone that has contact with my daughters.) It’s been really hard not to look at her and say, “Why don’t you ask him where he’s really been spending his time…”

Or, with my family. The tension is still there. A lot of it. I figure it’s not real long until some sort of blow-up. It’s not close enough that I can smell it yet, but I can feel it in the air. It’s like that feeling outside when a storm is brewing…but far away. I have this piece of information that I know will just grate on them. It’s not mean or cruel or hurtful. However, my delivery of it would be the slice.

A number of years ago they bought like a $1000 grill. (if not more) About two years ago it stopped working. They bitched and moaned about it for two years. Oh the money they spent on it. The aggravation. All sorts of things. Finally, they go out and buy a new one. A cheaper one. My friend says, “Hey, I’ll give em $50 for it. I can take it apart and weld it back together.” They agreed.

Turns out…the igniter needed a AAA battery.

The reason this becomes a slice coming from me is that this is always my point to them. They don’t pay attention. They don’t read. They don’t try. Give them a quick and easy solution…and yet the quick and easy solution (in the long run) always seems to cost them more in money and/or aggravation.

So how does one deal with all of this? How does one bite the tongue?

Lesson of the Week:

Give It Up

Give it up and give it over. Take it from your shoulders and put it into the hands of Divinity. The same can be said of all your fears, and worries and hurts and angers. Anytime you find yourself conflicted or stressed  - Give it up.

In fact that is what I have been doing with my whole life right now. I’ve been giving it up and giving it over. I put my work and money in the hands of Divinity. I put my relationships in the hands of Divinity. I am putting everything in the hands of Divinity. So far it’s been going pretty good.

In fact, my daughters and I put our whole vacation in the hands of Divinity, and each of us agreed it was a darn good vacation. It was filled with work and fun and excitement…oh and adventure. So much adventure.

And there is a thought I have not related to in quite some time. One that I must get back to…and soon.

Treat every day, every moment, every experience as an adventure.

Everyday Questing (I wonder if that’s the title of my second book?)

So now here is something I want to share because it strikes me as so odd. In the last week I have received some very interesting compliments. Validation of sorts. But what interests me is that I would not have thought I was in a place where I needed validation, especially this kind.

Yes, I struggle with money and I wonder where things are going. Yes, sometimes I think back on the people who have parted ways and wonder about myself. Yes, I wrestle with what people may think of me from time to time. But, overall, right now I am happy. I am very happy with my life and what I see developing. So, why send these messages now? I mean, there were years when I could have really used the words I have heard over the past week and they never came. And I find it interesting.

One came from a woman at a show I was filming the other night. I know her from Alburtis Park. She’s there as much as I am. Now you have to understand when I am at the park it’s like I am at home. I know everyone from the audience to the bands to the workers. And, I just have fun there. So she says to me randomly on Saturday night, “Boy, are you a devil at Alburtis Park,” and she snickers.

“I’m just trying to get everyone to have fun.”

“And you do. We love you.”

Later she also complimented my work, “you do such a nice job.”

That was all very nice and fun to hear. But these next two are very impactful I believe. One comes from a new, true friend. The other from a child (12 yo) that I barely know. I’m going to share his first, because I think the other one is probably the most important statement in my life lately.

I know this kid from being at Siggy’s. He is a friend of the son. He was there two Friday’s ago when we fired up the fire pit for the first time and he was along last week when we went to breakfast and off to Siggy’s for a day of work. My daughters were also with me both times.

So, the other day, I’m walking with my daughters to the van and he’s trailing along.

“Do they live with their mom?”

“Yup.”

“Well…why don’t they live with you? You seem like a really good dad.”

Out of the mouth of babes. I figure it’s a pretty strong statement. After all, who better to judge or rate a parent than a child. He also mentioned that he thought it was great that I always make them say AMEN before they eat anything.

But here’s the big one.

Siggy.

Now, Siggy and I have known each other for quite some time but it is not until recently that we have spent a good deal of time together. He is the brother-in-law of The Putter. So that’s where I have seen him – either at parties or passing encounters in the ManCave. In other words, we’ve only ever really gotten a good buzz on. Thing is, he has had the same “relationship” with my father. Little chance encounters and random conversation over beer.

In the weeks prior to me starting to do work for Siggy he would razz my ass constantly about not working, being lazy, etc., etc. And, he would always start it or end it with “That’s what your dad says.”

I would tell him repeatedly that he needs to stop listening to my father, because when it comes to me, my father is quite illiterate. (Also used properly – loosely but properly. Seems to me Word of the Week is returning. Did anyone figure out what last week’s was?)

3

: showing or marked by a lack of acquaintance with the fundamentals of a particular field of knowledge

So, anyway, he finally takes a chance on me and offers me some work helping him get projects done on his property. Along the way, he starts talking to me about the marital troubles he is encountering. We have had these discussions several times. As I tell him each time – It’s what I do. I’m here to listen. Above and beyond all else that is my purpose.

Well, this past weekend, we had another discussion. In fact, he called me to see if he could come have it. We met. We talked. He felt better. And then he says….

“You know, in the past week you have gone from a dopey loser to a real man in my eyes.”

Now that’s a statement.

I suppose that’s all for this week. Chomp on it a bit. Or chomp at the bit. Either way……

For now and forever, from here in Geistopia, I am your beloved Rev. wishing you Peace, Love, Light and Freakishness.