Order Out of Chaos

 

July 12, 2011

How interesting. It’s a 5 day.

Order out of chaos. This is the core philosophy among all creation myths, or stories. In the orient there is a story about some dragon or another. For the Norse it happened when all fires and ices erupted simultaneously and violently. The Big Bang Theory.

BAM!

…and then everything finds it’s place.

Even in Hinduism where Brahman is said to have dreamed reality into existence. Dreams are very chaotic, in as much as they free-formed and uncontrolled. There is no thought or logic behind them. There is no rationalization behind dreams. Dreams are the playgrounds of our minds. They are the release and the reception. They are the escape and the foundation. Dreams are very chaotic.

Even in JudeoChristianIslamism, where God, or Allah, created the “Heavens and the Earth.” The act of creation itself is mere chaos in action. Things are whirling and twirling and shaping and shifting and twisting and turning and starting and stopping and it goes and goes and goes in a frenzied whirlwind of action until….poof….a creation.

I find that the prelude to our greatest self/life changes are generally the most trying times we encounter – pain, indignity, loss…strife…challenge…suffering.

“All of life is suffering,” realized the Buddha.

“Oh the suffering you shall endure in his name,” prophesized the apostle from his pulpit as he preached in vain.

There we are. Life is happening and then suddenly something changes, perhaps goes wrong. We find ourselves at a crossroads questioning the choices made and those to come. If only for just a moment, we question our own existence.

Then….

BAM!

Realization and actualization.

I find myself at one of those crossroads. Perhaps too little too late. (I would argue that, but truly there is no need at this juncture. For argument’s sake, I suppose.)

I have been at the crossroads for sometime. And, it is evident based on yesterday’s “happenings” that I am totally missing something in the equation. I really don’t get something…and it apparently is something about myself.

Let me tell you what I know abut yesterday. We were having beers next door. It was me and dad and C.T. (formerly known as FaeriePrincess) and Bam-Bam (formerly known as G-Man.) We were hanging out. we were chilling.

And, this was saying something considering that C.T. had to text me three times and call me to get me over there because I was just not feeling it. When I got there it was C.T., The Putter and Siggy. Siggy made very quick note of the fact that I was just not having it yesterday. I wasn’t in the mood for the razzing or the fucking around or even, quite frankly, the drinking. This is not to say that I was against it, I just wasn’t feeling it. I was very burned out and wiped. Like, with as much as I had to do last night, I just wanted to lay very still and quiet.

Nonetheless, they got me over there. We did discuss Kennebunkport which was an important dialogue to have. So, Putter and Siggy leave and now my dad shows up for a beer. Whatever. Life is happening. We’re talking and somehow we get into smiles, happiness and calling it good at the end of the day. I can’t recall exactly what I had said. But it was pretty much along those very lines. Each day you gotta smile, be happy and call it good at the end of the day.

My father says, “I smile. I’m not happy…and I call it good at the end of the day.”

What? how can you do that? That so doesn’t work? That so defeats the purpose of smiling and being happy in the first place. How can you call it good at the end of the day if you are faking your way through it?

These were the thoughts that shot instantly through my brain. I do not know exactly what I said but I know it was some combination of those thoughts and words. Perhaps something like:

What? How can you do that?

or perhaps:

Well that makes no sense. You can’t call it good if you’re faking your way through it.

Or…I really don’t know. But I know I challenged the statement. Was I aggressive? Did I challenge too harshly? Did I yell? I don’t think so.

But then, that seems to be a part of the crossroads that I have yet to come to understand. It is a repeated pattern and theme and something worthy of attention. When I approached Jessi about the car situation I did not think I attacked her. I did not think I had threatened or challenged or yelled or any of that. And yet, twice in the hours to follow (once just shortly later) I am accused of having attacked Jessi, being told that he was merely defending her. But I am certain I did not attack. I was proceeding with caution. I knew the controversy and I did not want to seem attacking. This was in my consciousness. It had been in my consciousness long before I even broached the subject.

Or what about Pasturizer who so quickly accused me of talking down to him and getting out of line. I don’t think I had. I don’t believe I was. I know there I was direct and frank. I could see where the dialogue was heading. After all, I had seen it many times before with Mr. English (formerly known as Encyclopedia Brown.)

And then there was yesterday.

Is it possible. I mean, am I really so incredulous? Do I not see what is before my eyes? I really have to question this and I never had to before.

Here is the rest of what I know about how yesterday happened….

So the challenge is made. How does one fake his way through the day and be able to call it good at the end of it all?

And honestly the next thing I know, C.T. and Bam-Bam are already telling me to stop. But, why? What did I say? What did I do? Where did I cross the line? To this point, as far as I know, I’m still just trying to understand a statement such as the one my father put out there.

But now I have crossed a line. Now I have become inappropriate. And I am struggling to comprehend that while at the same time get an answer to my original question.

And, now, the next thing I know my father and I are full out arguing and he says something about money and the money he gave me and how he’s not doing it anymore and I’m gonna be in trouble and…..WTF?!?!

Not only do I not understand how we got from smiles and happiness to money transactions between us, but I also find it very inappropriate. Especially considering that the money he was referring to was money that he had to literally, in one instance, force upon me. {and now, suddenly, he is like my savior or something and he is forsaking me? What is that exactly?}

So now I am livid. I have already reached my blowing point. (This is my first indication that there is a serious problem here. I usually do not reach my blowing point quite so readily.) Perhaps it was the fact that we were once again entering into, what I affectionately refer to as, “The Fuckin’ Bizarre.”

Once again we have crossed that bridge form the original disscussion/debate/disagreement and into the realm of “All Things Wrong with Matt.” And, truth be told, I am never certain how we do that. I am never aware of when it transcends. Even in recalling the tales, I can never once say , “…and then this led to that.” It is a blur. An enigma.

But once on he merry-go-round it is the same ride every time. I can tell you before the fight even erupts what exactly it will turn to, what things will get thrown at me. For certain there will be the job thing. There will be support. There will be how I am not any kind of a minister. There will be some mention and ridicule of WTML – the project and the videos. There will be some mention, some example, of how wrong as a person.

And, of course, there is money. But yesterday that is where we started and moved into everything else.

And, in the bigger fights, it will move into all the friends who no longer talk or hang with me, it will be some example of how horrible I am/have been to Jessi, some telling of how awful of a father I am. There is always the ridicule and dismissing of any of my own businesses, projects, endeavors or anything of the like. No matter what I say, there is no credibility in anything that I do.

Now before I continue with the exact happenings of yesterday, I think it is important that I stop I and look at this. It is an obvious repeated pattern. It is dominant within my family and has spilled over on more than one occasion to other arenas of my life.

In these situations, when all is said and done, I am essentially the bad guy. I am the one who is out of control. I am the one that is out of line and inappropriate. Or so I am told. Of course, my telling of it would be very different. But them isn’t that to be expected? (Three sides to every story and all of that.)

But once it starts it is all over. Everyone comes out guns a blazing. The thing I am struggling with at the moment is why I get so involved in it. Why am I so attached to their perceptions or opinions of things? Why do I let it get me so outraged that I truly do get out of control and nasty as hell? Obviously, they are just spouting off. It is demonstrated time and time again how they don’t always get the facts straight (if they get them at all.) They make it evident that they do not see what is directly in front of them. It is the same old rhetoric for the sake of the same old rhetoric.

“You need to get a job!”

What in God’s name are you talking about?

I work for a company named Crossmark. Every week I get some hours. It varies. But it’s every week. The pay me direct deposit, taxes withdrawn. I get paid for jobs, training and administration time, even some mileage and drive time (albeit not a whole lot.) On an average week it is about $90 take home.

Then there is Advantage. Again, they pay me direct deposit, taxes withdrawn. I get administrative and training pay. I am eligible for supply reimbursements. On occasion there is mileage and drive time pay. It has its ebbs and its flows for available work but during a good cycle it can average anywhere from $100-150 per week.

I have taken up work with Siggy. Approximately 2 days/8 hours of work per week. (With the promise of possible work in the future.) Though there has been much variation from time to time, for the sake of argument we will call it $80 per week.

I mow a lawn. Once every week or two. On average $20-40 per week.

I have other I.C. work available to me, though I am not currently pursuing it. (Still it is there when I can and need to.)

Over the past several months I have had several video clients, a wedding, helped someone build furniture, and had DVD/CD sales.

All of my income is claimed, and taxes are paid – including sales tax.

How many jobs would you like me to have?

“I do work.”

“When’s the last time you really busted your ass? Besides [Siggy]’s?”

{A-ha! now we get a little deeper into this fascination. It is my present assessment that it is not a matter of working. It is a matter of the type of work or how “work” is being defined. I do not “punch a clock.” I do not keep regular hours. I do not go to the same place to do my work each day. I do not have benefits. I am performing “hard, manual” labor. Therefore, I do not work.}

And, in regards to the “busting ass”, is it not being considered the strain and toll it takes to film for four hours, running three camera by yourself and doing so in the heat? Or mowing a lawn? Or even all the bending and stretching and kneeling and lifting and twisting I do in the stores all day?

I even put this out to him.

“Do you know what its like to run three video cameras by yourself?”

“All you have to do is look in that little thing.”

“Yes…and run from camera to camera to camera – constantly.”

And so we progress from there.

(continued later…)