Lost

Sunday, July 28, 2013; 1852

I don’t know. I just don’t know.

I can’t tell you how many times over the past day or two that I have sat down and tried to type something out. There’s a block that I just cannot seem to get around. It seems this is an overall Theme in my life.

There are lots of things I am trying to get done lately that I just can’t seem to make the right kind of dent in. However, with the other stuff, despite any blocks, I seem to make at least a bit of progress here and there. But I still don’t know what the block is – the resistance.

Life has gotten….different than usual. (And, yet, oh so the same.)

I am in such a holding pattern and, short of a miracle, I see no way out. Work dropped off a few weeks ago and just has not picked up. Even the ‘new’ job has seems to have stalemated. There is just nothing going on. It has left me in quite the pickle.

Unfortunately, a great deal of my work relies on the old adage, “If you want to make money you’ve got to spend money.” With no money to spend, my options become minimal. Instead of taking the bull by the horns as I so often do, I am forced to be at the whimsy of the Universe. I cannot reach out and male work happen. I must sit still and watch for it to be close by. This has not been too often.

I cannot say that it is completely hopeless. As always, I have Just Enough. Just enough to get by. Just enough to keep moving. Just enough to take care of each bill as it approaches. Even this week. My two main bills this week are Car Insurance and Blockbuster Online.

It did not look as though I was going to be able to do either, yet, by the end of last week I was fortunate enough to have work available to me. Just Enough work to make Just Enough money.

When I look at it like that it becomes difficult to be upset. Though frustration is an entirely different matter.

I am frustrated. I just don’t know what to do, anymore. I have applied for jobs, even those I did not really care to do. There is one exception to this, and even it is currently under review. For quite some time I have stubbornly refused to consider going back into fast food. Let's face it – the money sucks and no one respects you. Money gets better in management, but that brings with it a whole lot of BS that I do not care to deal with anymore. In either case, chances are I would need to work weekends. This, too, is something I have been reluctant to give in to – because of the Princesses. Weekends are their time and I have vowed to preserve that, but the way things are going it just doesn’t seem possible anymore.

As I said, I have tried applying for other jobs and that never seems to go anywhere. Again, even the latest venture, which at first glance seemed hopeful, has gone into the shadows.

Try as I might, I cannot seem to improve my own work in the realm of Readings and Reiki. This is frustrating more because I love it and it comes so naturally and feels so good when I do it that I truly would like to see more of it on my plate. But, alas, it just doesn’t seem to happen.

I whore myself out to every company I can find and still I end up sitting here with no work and no money.

I have relied on my faith and even that has begun to really dwindle. All I want is a semi-normal life. A home, a job, my children. I would like to be able to do things with them and for them. I have all but given up on my own life all I really want now is to be able to help them forge one for themselves.

I do not see how this is possible anymore. I do not know what I can do differently. And so I come back to Give It Up. Give it up to The Universe, to God, to T.O.T.S. But even that seems a futile. What has faith gotten me thus far but a few bones here and there.

“Give them food and sport and they will be appeased.”

The message last week was, “Next week.”

So, we shall see what this week holds. I will merely do what I do best. I will take it one day at a time, slowly and steadily, and see what unravels before me.