“Official”-ly

 

Sunday, May 18, 2014 (3 day y way of 21)

1233

So, I am sitting here waiting to leave for my work trip. As far as I can tell, everything is packed and ready to go. Loose ends are tied up on this end of the trip and things are in place to move forward on the other end. Getting to this moment has been a very intensive journey.

For a week now, maybe more, there has been this looming ‘feeling.’ The problem is that I do not know what the feeling is or what it is in regards to. It seems centered around this trip (or this week.) It has had me on edge and feeling out of sorts. So much, in fact, that I even told the girls about it last night to explain away some of my odd moods and attitudes.

I can not put my finger on it, but whatever it is it feels very big. I have been talking for months about sensing a change coming. Perhaps this is it. I can not put a vibe to it – positive or negative. I only know that it is there…and it is waiting.

Or, perhaps, I am waiting. Like one who hears the train coming down the tracks and watches, in vain, from the platform. It’s there. You know it’s there. You can hear it, feel it, sense it…you just can not see it yet. And so I wait.

I have run the gambit on possibilities. Cuddlebug and I even revisited some this morning. She expressed concern for daddy and so I did my best to explain to her what is going on and what I am feeling. She offered up some interesting possibilities. I had thought of them but I was impressed that she had as well. And I offered up some to her that she had not thought of and did not want to either.

I think it’s more than just the feeling. There has been much going on lately - many little shifts and magicks occurring across the board. And, I think the meditations speak for themselves.

I have a sense of peace and being that I haven’t known since days of old – back when the path was new and I was to naïve to truly enjoy it. I have been at peace. I have felt whole and complete. I have felt alive for the first time in more years than I care to count.

It’s like I know. I know everything is ok. I know that all things have their place and their purpose…and their time. All moments, all experiences…all people.

All week long, the closer the clock has ticked to this moment the more I have wanted to freeze time right where I stood. I don’t what that means. I don’t know this feeling. I have sensed things before. I have seen events coming. I knew before I went to prison. I knew before Mama left me. I knew months before and had had my cry over it before it had even crossed her mind. Then at one point I told her what it was that would bring the end of our relationship. It was.

Seeing, knowing, that doesn’t bother me. It’s this feeling but not seeing.

I can ‘see’ as far as leaving for this trip. I think I can see me at the airport. After that…I see nothing.

At first, I thought perhaps this would be one of those trips that was ‘definite’ and then got cancelled in the final hours. (And there is still time for that.)

But I don’t think that’s it.

But I don’t think this week is going to play out as I imagine it should either. Do I come home early? What brings me home? Or, as Cuddlebug suggested, perhaps I win the lottery.

Maybe there is death…perhaps even my own.

(But then with this much change on the air, the stench of death is bound to follow anyway.)

I just can’t put my finger on it.

It has me anxious and on edge. Like every time I think I have settled into it – it is what it was what always will be – I get anxious again. I even thought I could use my shower early to cleanse and purge it and it hasn’t happened.

I even teared up twice randomly today…and could again now if I allowed it.

I have been overly appreciative of every moment lately.

Last night the Princesses and I had ‘Family night.’ no one else was home and we were able to just spread our wings and fly as it were. We had a nice dinner. We were able to catch the ice cream truck. We sat on the porch roof at sunset and played the ‘I like…’ game (where you look around and point out to the others’ what you like about what you hear, see, feel, etc.)

We were going to do a nigh of XBox, I thought, while we could. I was kind of looking forward to it because we do it so little and have so much fun when we do. Their friend was next door and they took to playing with her and then there was show after show – hula hoop show, scooter show, fashion show.

Daddy was getting a little testy. I wanted to get to our night and enjoy it. At some point I went inside and got coffee and rolled a cigarette and then it hit me. This was our night and we were enjoying it. They were so adorable doing their shows and climbing trees and playing tricks on daddy and getting along (and fighting.) They learned lessons of stilling the mind and prophecy and even got insight to the name of one of daddy’s “companies.” It was all so splendid.

I apologized to them for being “jerky” as I put it. I explained that I really was having a wonderful time. They tried to apologize for “ruining” my night. I stopped them and told them I didn’t want them to feel that way and that was why I apologized. I stressed again how much I loved last night. Every sacred moment of it.

This is what I can say of the whole of my life. It has not always been perfect. There has been a great deal of darkness and misfortune. (God willing, one day I can tell it all.) But, it has all been so truly splendid.

So know this, should this be the moment I cease to be…or the next, or whichever moment it is – know this. Know that it has been a splendid life. No one knows just how truly splendid because no one really knows the whole story. I haven’t bothered to tell anyone. But it has been Divine. And no matter when I leave it, know that I leave it having truly loved every blessed moment and all the people who have shared them with me.

I could never express my full gratitude towards and appreciation for all of the many people who have impacted my life and made it the blessing that it is.

And know, that for however long (or short) I may live it is my hope to live each moment with the gratitude for what it is.

This has been both an expansion on my earlier FB status (Facebook – Matthew Geist) and an “official” Sunday Post.

From here in Geistopia, this is your Beloved Rev, wishing you peace, love, light and freakishness.