Sigh

 

Wednesday, May 21, 2014 (6 Day…I really dislike 6s)

2000 (1st Dark Hour)

Sun in Gemini; Last Quarter Waning Moon in Pisces

Very tired, but not like sleepy…just tired all over.

Bits of stress here and there. Mind clouded.

[Stepped outside for a smoke – Cricket Chirping (interesting); Saw my 2nd bat since I arrived last night.]

The bat, in particular, catches my attention. It may be the same one as last night, but he likes to fly back and forth in front of me. I’m tellin’ ya something is a-brewin’. Bats are no joke as totems.

[Hey..can I make a wish if it is 11:11 in my home time zone and I am in a different one? Uh…nevermind. Too late. )

So, anyway, it has been quite the week. Tonight has been the first night since Saturday that I have really had any time to just sit and veg for a moment. And, it turns out, it truly is just a moment. I just found out about an hour ago that I have to attend a meeting at 0745 tomorrow. This isn’t a big deal but I had planned on trying to sleep in a bit (since it would have been the first morning since Friday I could do such a thing) and then get myself together and leave for Yuma. Now I will have to make sure that I have myself all together tonight before I go to bed.

Basically, I am feeling a bit burnt out at the moment and it doesn’t look like it gets any better from here.

I will eventually have some time tomorrow evening/night to rest the head a bit, but I also have to be at the airport at 6:30 Friday morning. From there it is about 11 hours of traveling, only to get home, get the van and go meet the girls at the carnival. I should get home at about 11 on Friday night. The weekend is jammed pack as well.

The plans so far include 1 (maybe 2) trips to Dorney Park, a journey to Mayfair (the Princesses’ first time), A visit (and swim) with a friend, and a stop-in at dad’s show on Monday. On Tuesday, they would like me to leave for a 7 1/2 hour drive to NC. We should get into town between 4 and 6 and need to start working at 11:30, which means leaving anytime between 10:30 and 11:00. Work until 5ish. Sleep for a bit then set out for the drive home. This, of course, means that any spare time I can find over the weekend is going to need to be trying to get ready to go away.

Then, the following week, I am supposed to be off to Tampa for almost the whole of the week. Which means the brief break I get (I don’t have the princesses that weekend in between) will be spent getting ready to go away for a week AND trying to get as caught up as I can with everything I will not have touched for 2 weeks…which technically would be every aspect of my life except this job and some time with the girls.

I’m not sure that’s ok.

This brings me to the ‘sigh.’

I don’t know how I feel about all of this.

I have a list of things that I just cannot seem to get done. And, every time I plan on getting them done I get shipped out of town. (Of course, many times I am planning on getting shipped out of town and the job gets cancelled…or moved.) Some of what I need to do is personal things – projects around the house, fixing things, cleaning things, getting my friggin’ garden planted. (If it’s even worth it at this point.)

But, some are very much business oriented. I have to staves to make. I have 2 stores waiting on pipe picks (which I had figured and said I could work on next week and get delivered.) I am trying to get a product into another store. I have a business venture on the table and can’t even get the time to meet with the other partners.

I certainly don’t want to sound negative about it all. Life is as life is…and I’d rather be busy than bored. However, feeling eternally swamped and pushed and stressed isn’t doing me any good either.

Sigh once more.

Basically, I don’t know what to do. Taking both jobs over the next two weeks leaves me right where I don’t want to be. It’s true the money is nice. But I don’t think I can use money as a gauge anymore for making decisions.

For years I have chased the money. For way too long I had made it a primary focus of existence…and where did it get me? All of the jobs I applied for, all of the things I tried, all of the calculating and plotting and planning…did it “pay” off?

Not at all.

Now, this is not to say that I haven’t made just as many poor choices as I have pursued opportunities. I would be foolish to even insinuate such a thing.

But, it seems, no matter how things have gotten over the years, no matter how close I seemed to my goals, something would always change leaving me just slightly behind. I always have Just Enough.

That is, after all, the Divine Promise. Our needs will always be met. And, so mine are. Always. Every time. One way or another.

“Do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow shall worry about itself.”

And so it does.

Honestly, money can always be made. If I need it, generally, I can find it.

For instance, tomorrow we will leave here by 0830-0900. I’ll get to Yuma somewhere between 1230-1330. Last I checked there was about $50 worth of work available in Yuma. So, I could rest…or I could make that $50. That is more than likely what I will do. Fill the spare time with work until I can check-in at the hotel. But that’s precisely what I mean. There is always money to be made and right there is 1/5 of one of the 2 jobs that have me stressed at the moment.

I don’t mind taking one or the other. But both just keeps me from getting things done, and the things I want to get done lead to money and a future that’s…more my style.

Nonetheless…it has taken me several hours to get this written. I have been up and down, pacing, smoking, trying to unwind and release.

I think I need to step away from this and see what the next day or two brings. There is half of me that says drop one job and focus on other things. There is half of me that says to just put everything else aside and do the 2 jobs. And, I am ok with that. It think it’s just that I tire from all of this running ragged and wearing myself down only to get nowhere.

Life was never meant to be a struggle.