Here We Go Again…

 

Tuesday, June 11, 2013; 0825

OOOH…we have an 11. I like 11s. (Perhaps that is part of the problem. lol.)

What else do we have there? The day breaks down to a 5. Hmmm. And we are, for now, going to call today Day 1 because, as we all know, today is the first day of the rest of my life. (However long that may be.)

I am starting over today. The weekend and the Journey was what it was and yesterday was very much a void. Things happened and things got done, but it really was just a day unto itself.

On this Tuesday Morning it is ‘Perfect for:’ Writing – Lost in Thought – Indie Objects May Appear Closer.

I really love iHeart Radio. Sorry Pandora. Yesterday I spent most of the day listening to Emerson College’s Radio.

So what do we have to discuss today? What is on the docket? Where is my head?

I think I’m over the 5 days that were this past weekend. Or was that the Journey itself. It certainly was a purge, no doubt. It was like all these thoughts and emotions just flushed themselves to the surface. And, much like hacking up flem it wasn’t very fun at the time. But, I feel much better now.

I needed to sort through everything. Look at it all again. It’s funny to me how suddenly I sit here, thinking and feeling as I did so many years ago. All the Principles I had way back when have become important and a focus once more.

The past is the past. There is no going back. No fixing anything or amending. It was what it was what it was what it was. And, for me , it was very…bittersweet.

Though there was a lot of heartache and turmoil and mistakes along the way there was also a lot of miraculous beauty.

I have suffered great loss in my life – friends, lovers, jobs, cars…moments. Much of this has been because I didn’t really know who I was or what life was really about. I never really had that kind of guidance in my youth. I didn’t find that kind of guidance until much later in life. (Always was a late bloomer.)

I think, sometimes, that is why I try so hard to instill in my daughters what is truly important in life.

Interestingly enough, hen I found that guidance, it led me down a path that very few could understand and, so, I lost a great deal more. But…I have also been so many places, seen so many things, met so many people that I would have never been able to conceive of in my former life. I have been blessed. [3 Geese overhead – storytelling and the number of creativity.]

I have a stockpile of stories, a multitude of moments. But, it seems I am always so busy trying to forge a life that I never tell them as I should. (Geese?)

I still have my issues and anger can still get the better of me. But, that must all be handled moment by moment. In fact, it must all be handled moment by moment. There is no time but now.

I have spent so much of the past several years looming over the past, regretting, and looking to the future trying to forge this life that so many people say I should have.

Yet, here I am. Not so much is very different and for all the advancement I may have made along the way I am still sitting on square 1. No matter how I have tried or what I have tried, it always seems to come full circle and have me starting all over again. These recent events being the perfect example.

I was on a path. I had a goal. I was striving towards it and coming very close to achieving it. Then in one fell swoop it all changed. One moment I was a man on a mission and the next I was completely shut down, incapable of doing anything. And now, here I sit starting from scratch once more.

It certainly isn’t for lack of trying. In fact, as I ponder it all, perhaps I have tried too hard. Many times I have bitten off much more than I could chew. I see no limitations in life and so I don’t always know what mine are. Many times this has caused me much…discomfort.

I have been left little choice but to live moment by moment. I work today for tomorrow’s money. There is no way left for me but day by day. But then, isn’t that the point to it all? Isn’t that the way it was designed?

“Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will take care of itself.”

Life was only ever meant to be day by day. That is God’s design. We created this ‘hustle and bustle.’ This need for the future and whatever it may hold. That is man’s design.

So, I settle in. Life is what it is. Is there anything that dictates it must be something else?

But then comes the question, “What are you waiting on the Universe to do for you?”

It’s this kind of question that adds to the frustration I already feel. How can anyone say I’m waiting for the Universe to do anything for me? Is it because my work is unsteady? Because my wallet is empty? Is it because I do not have a home I can call my own? What is the gauge or the measure?

I mean, it’s not like aI just sit here each day…waiting for something. Every day I take what I have to work with and make the most of it. If there is work, I do it. If there is not, I find it. If for some reason I cannot find it, or am incapable of doing it (such as no money to drive around) then I find something else to do. Something productive and industrious. Currently, that project happens to be getting ready for this yard sale this weekend. Which is actually on the docket for today.

But I don’t sit around and wait.

That’s my frustration. I push and I struggle and I try, yet, in the end nothing is really different. Some would say that I need to get a “regular” job. Some should also understand that I have applied for “regular” jobs over the years. Yet, I still don’t have one.

I have covered every avenue I can think of. I have tried and pushed and oft times over-extended.

But wait?

I’ve never waited.

So this gets me to thinking. Perhaps that is the problem. Perhaps it is time that I do stop…and wait. Wait for whatever it is God has in store. Maybe it is time for me to let God take the reigns of my life. I mean, after all, that was the commitment, the dedication, made so many years ago.

When I spent my time in LCP it came to my attention that I could get out – much sooner than I ever should have. So, I set out to make it happen. I pushed and tried and worked and worried. Yet, no matter what I did, I could not get the system to budge anymore than it already had. It was then that one of my ‘mates’ said, “You know…as long as you keep insisting on doing it yourself God will let you. He will step back and say ‘Go on and do it then. I’ll be here when you’re ready for me to do it.’”

He was absolutely correct.

I often tell clients that if you spend your time, running around from point to point trying to do this and that – Life can never catch up with you. Be still. Then life can catch up to you and guide you. Only then can you see what you have or what you need. 

So, given the current state of things, I think that is what I shall do. Wait. Wait and see what unfolds before me. I will take one step, one moment, at a time and look no further than that.

Perhaps what I have or what I am is all that shall ever be. Perhaps I will never have money, or a home of my own. Perhaps I will never have a “viable” career. Does it matter? Is any of that really what is important?

“Store up your riches in Heaven.”

If I spend the rest of my days scraping and scrounging, does it mean that my life has no worth or purpose? Does it devalue me as a human being? Does it mean that I shouldn’t be able to find enjoyment or peace in my life? Does it mean that I can’t be content in what I do have?

I think not.

In the news – I started yesterday with very little. I was able to put a 1/4 tank of gas in the van. I was able to get 2 cups of coffee while out and about. I managed to get some work done and also make $20 which I received sometime in the night. I managed to score a free movie rental. And, overall had a good day.

Along the way, God sent a few messengers to remind me of who I truly am. Someone pointed out to me how I really can’t go anywhere that there isn’t someone who knows me.

“Everyone knows you.”

Then, of course, there was the free movie. That was a gesture. A gesture because I am who I am.

I know there was someone else along the way.

It all left me feeling ok.

As for today – well, today is taken care of. I have the girls for dinner tonight and whether I scrounge old Mother Hubbard’s cupboards or use some/all of my $20 we will have dinner. I have the gas I need to move about today and most of tomorrow.

I am currently waiting on several pays from different employers/contractors. Nothing substantial. Just a little here and a little there. Some mailed, some just deposited. When it all comes is a crap shoot.

I have work I can schedule for tomorrow. How much depends on how my finances end today. That work should pay by Thursday and Thursday I have a house cleansing which also allows me the opportunity to pick up some more work in an area I wouldn’t otherwise go to. That should pay by Friday or Saturday.

I am awaiting word from a Reiki client. That’s not so much about the money as it is the experience. But the money does help. And then, Friday will be whatever it can be when all else is said and done.

Along the way I must prepare for both the yard sale and a week of vacation with the Princesses.

And now…I must take my leave.