Day 10, Start Again

 

Friday, January 17, 2014 (7 day…hmmm)

1017 (4th Hour – Saturn)

Sigh. I’m not sure what to write about today.

Yesterday was not the “good” day I had imagined it to be. I finally had a day of work. It was well planned and plotted, as always. And, as always, by day’s end it was nothing it was supposed to be.

I showed up to one job and the business was closed for renovations. That means, to be paid, I must go back at some point. I had another job that I made a mistake on, also leaving me with needing to go back. The problem is – when? There is not only the matter of scheduling. There is the issue of having money to repeat that drive. It’s things like this that can get frustrating. You put yourself out there. you try. you make the most of what you have before you…and it still doesn’t seem to work. 

It is with this I must utilize this week’s…something (Theme, Lesson or Observation.)

Bless It All

Bless everything – every moment. Bless the hardships as well as the triumphs. It’s not always easy, but it is the course of things. And, perhaps, that brings me to another of this week’s lil ditties – Ours Is Not to Reason Why.

It does not matter why something happens or happened. Life happens and that is all there is to it. Ours is but to do and die. All we can do is deal with things the best we can, make the most of each moment, and move through it.

I had a slight moment of weakness this morning – reverting to old comfortable patterns. In a way I am disappointed. It has been 9 days since my last slip and I overcame the urge to fall last night. On the other hand I am quite glad because I found it did very little for me. It was not quite as satisfying as I believed it to be.

The work front is frustrating. I have this job that I do not know what to do with. When there is work it is good, but there hasn’t been much work for months. So far, for the month of January, there has been work tentatively scheduled and then nothing goes through. My problem with this is then I can’t schedule anything else until I know for certain if I am going out of town or not.

This works both ways. I can’t schedule anything for around here, and then I tend to lose the opportunities, but I also can’t plan ahead and schedule things at my alleged destination. So I find I can’t do any work at all. This is becoming overly frustrating. In fact, I am currently on hold for a TBD job for next week. I can’t even plan anything properly for next week because if  I go it looks like I am leaving Tuesday…sometime.

To a certain degree I have been ok with this because the down time has allowed me to get very organized and structured to face the year ahead. It has afforded me the time to devote and dedicate to getting focused on the things that make me me. However, my financial picture is very dim at the moment and seems to only get worse each day.

I am dealing with this by not thinking about it more than is needed and, by this, I mean I only look at my finances in as much as they impact my day. But, the truth of the matter is I need to do something. My problem is, I don’t know what.

When it comes to the “job” I have I came into the year willing to give it three months to turn around and see what could be. I’m not feeling that anymore. In fact, I am feeling quite the opposite. I would like to just say good-bye. It’s one thing to not have work scheduled. It is another thing to have it scheduled, tentative or not, and then not have it go through. As I said, this just makes it difficult, even impossible, to do other work. I’ve reached the point where I do not even want to go on a job right now. The process is becoming more of a hindrance than a help. There is checking email and schedules every day just to make sure nothing has changed and I am not taken by surprise. I don’t get paid for this. I suppose I could, and if I had other hours each week I probably would include this time in there. But, I am not submitting a time sheet for an hour or two a week. Again, I suppose I could, but I see that as being more difficult than it seems at first.

Then there’s meetings. Gotta make the meetings, by phone or some other way. Now, I can get paid for this. But again, if it happens, it’s usually a 1/2 hour a week. I suppose I could try submitting a time sheet for this week with the meeting, prep and daily stuff on and see what happens.

And then there is the feeling that there is a piece of it all that I am not yet aware of. I feel it is something good. I just have no idea what it could be. So I sit and wait to see.

The Emperor ( R ) – It’s really just a matter of using and focusing energies correctly. Just as an empire will follow the lead of the emperor, so too will your life follow your thoughts feelings and general attitude you set. Lead by example – in attitude and action and your life will follow. Take care of needs first.

3 of Swords – I have never liked this card. I’ve not ever really been good with an interpretation on it. 3 being the number of creation. Swords dealing with words, communication and Physical action. The swords go through a heart which is broken and bleeding. This is on the right side so we are dealing with outward actions and being.

All I’m really taking from this is that I need to do something about work. I don’t know what that is though. I have been browsing job ads, still haven’t found anything. At this point there is not much I can do on the work front until Mondayish so I will not think about it and see what comes along in the meantime.

As for today, the rest of my focus is on tonight. It is the Princess Ball at the girls’ school. This is the first one Sunshine is getting to attend. It is also the first time that Cuddlebug seems to have made plans for the dance that don’t involve daddy. Which is perfectly fine. Let her run off and be with her friends and I will spend my time dancing with Sunshine.