Enter the 2nd

 

Tuesday, January 14,2014 (Mars; A Day of Foundations)

1459 (10th Hour – Venus)

Waxing Gibbous Moon and Jupiter in Cancer; Sun, Venus, Pluto in Capricorn; Mercury in Aquarius; Mars in Libra; Saturn in Scorpio; Uranus in Aires; Neptune and Chiron in Pisces.

Rainy and 45

Feeling kinda mellow…and restless. Very aware of ‘Oneness’ today.

Legs are “hurting” a bit today. More of a discomfort. Same in back – lower, typical area.

Still a lot going on in Sacral Chakra region. Still feels damaged and “leaking”.

I feel sort of like the day looks – peaceful, but dreary. I’m getting things done but at the same time I am having trouble truly focusing on any one thing. On one hand this is troubling because it makes it very difficult to come to a rest at any point. Yet, on the other hand there is benefit in it because I am purging my life. Things are getting done and falling into place, creating what appears to be a strong foundation off of which to build.

The purge seems to be happening on all levels. I go through a similar process each year at this time, but this year it seem a bit…harsher.

The purge is dualistic on a physical level. There has been awareness of changing my diet and my habits – such as smoking and drinking coffee, etc. I have been working with this…slowly, but working. The other face of the physical purge has involved things finding their place. The messes, for the most part, are all cleaned up. This has been years in the process. Finally, everything has its place once more and I am left with workable space.

Clutter has been cleaned. Piles have been sorted and organized. There is still much to do, but so much has been done and I can feel the relief of it all. That is, in part, why I did not journal yesterday. (The other part involved my lack of focus.) Anyway, I had finished putting things in their place yesterday. This included hefting some large, weighty boxes up above the garage. Oh, times one wishes the video camera was running. I got it done but I hurt quite a bit afterwards.

I spent the rest of the day in a sort of revelry. As I noted, I am really experiencing this sense of the Oneness of it all. It has been both peaceful and disturbing. The closest association I can find for it is a story I once heard. Not really much of a story, more of a tale. It’s someone in the Bible, Isaiah I believe – But don’t quote me on that. Anyway, so this dude comes to a point where/when he finally gets to look upon the face of God and in that moment he weeps. He weeps because in the face of that much love and goodness all he could see was his sins. He knew how unworthy he was.

We all come to that point sooner or later, I think. We be-bop along through our lives and then one moment, something happens – something random and completely unexpected – and you find yourself reviewing the whole of life. It is then that we can see all our faults and flaws, foibles and fumbles. Hindsight is 20/20 don’t you know. Perhaps, in this new state of awareness and revelation you find it difficult to believe you could have been this and done that. If only you had known then what you know now. So much energy spent and too much time lost. If only I woulda, shoulda coulda.

And so you weep. You weep for all that has been lost. You weep for those hurt and affected. You weep for yourself and all you could never forgive.

Or, perhaps you weep because despite all that which you could not forgive of yourself, here is this Grace and Love that had already forgiven you when it happened and has been happily waiting to receive you back.

It’s really kind of all a mind fuck if you ask me.

Nonetheless, this process has been quite enjoyable – challenging, engaging, revealing, so many other things, but definitely enjoyable.

As I said it is the same process I go through each year at this time. It is time to clear away the old and prepare for the new.

So, I have gotten all of Christmas put away – both decorations and presents. The basement corner is finally manageable – cleaned out and organized. The craft shelves are looking good. The Girls’ bedroom is in order as is the hallway. Everything storable has been placed above the garage in a way that will make it easy to get when it is time. The attic is ready to be conquered.

Everything has a place and is in it.

This includes my schedule, ,mu finances, my goals, my thoughts.

I have worked through everything over the past week. Little by little chipping away at it all. That’s how it all feels really – like I’ve been chipping away. Chipping away at my thoughts, my feelings, my worries, my hopes, my hurts, my life.

It has definitely been an experience wrought with duality…or is it dichotomy?

So far, everything has been pretty much in line with the original time-frame I was handed. I knew the 14th, I just didn’t know why. I was feeling like it would be 2 weeks until I was feeling functional again. It has been.

So, now tomorrow, I can return to life…and see just what it brings.

Finances are a top priority in my mind but I am stepping back from that one and letting T.O.T.S. handle it.

There are changes in the work arena. I just don’t know what they are yet, but I suspect I will have some sort of a clue near the end of next week.I may have a job scheduled for next week. Still unsure. Other than that work has been kind of nothing at all. I’m actually ok in that. More ok than I would have thought.

I still feel change. Something. Sometime in the next week.

So here’s what I know at this point – nothing. LMAO!!

Seriously though…Just take it day by day. Do the daily things that must be done. Take care of the other things that must get done from time to time. Take whatever work pops up along the way. Live life like it is under control. Do this until about another week. Be careful to make too many, or forced, changes. Let things happen as they happen.

I have a meeting I am supposed to attend tonight. I do not think I will be. This has been happening to me for the past several meetings. I get myself set to go, clear my schedule, plan it out and then the time comes and I just can’t get there. Often I have gotten ready and been on my way when something would just have me stop. I have accepted that this is perhaps me telling myself that the time is not right quite yet. Some more things into place then it will be good. So, tonight, I am calling it in advance and giving myself that freedom of spirit, rather than stress and weigh myself down trying to get to something that isn’t going to happen.

I think that’s all for now. I am on point with my daily regiment so far. I am gearing up for possibly doing some sort of cleaning tonight. Beyond that I am unsure.

Tomorrow I must getup and focus on my regiment early. then I must plan out some sort of a day, whether it involves working or just taking care of some miscellaneous things while I can. But then, the goal is work on Thurs, as long as it is possible.