The Human Condition

 

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

2210 (5th Dark Hour)

It’s been a very interesting day. So much in fact, that I felt it necessary to sit and write a bit before turning in to face my tomorrow.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the reading from this morning – the yin and the yang to all things and what I am doing to clog my own flow. I have also been thinking about the Death card from the other day. I have probably thought on these things too much. Over the years I have found that where seem to be 2 sides to life – The Practical and the Spiritual.

These two lives rarely seem to coincide. What is Practical may not be what is spiritually needed, and what is Spiritual most certainly is not always practical.

My day was off again. Once again, I got things done. I was productive, but it was different than planned or expected.

I got up good and early this morning so that I could take a gentleman from his home to his work. He was concerned about driving in the snow tonight. So, obviously, I went back and picked him up later.

Anyway, I did that and my day started off fairly strong. My devotions were on point. My exercises were focused slightly better and all were included. I got emails sorted and plans solidified and prep work done for tomorrow. This was all this morning into the first noontime hour. I got it all done. I know I did. But there is this haze over that part of my day as well. Its almost as if there was a whole other set of things being done on a deeper level at the same time.

I then rested a few minutes before bolting up to go out and run the snow blower in the driveway and such. I had planned on doing this after a slightly longer nap, but within the hour, anyway. But, I was jolted up because my father was getting ready to go out and do it because the neighbor was out doing his. And apparently a good part of ours. So, I am glad I got up and went out.

After that I passed out for close o three hours. I was just gone. I do not recall where I went, but I know I liked it.

I ran the snow blower a second time.

I then worked on…something? I’m not sure. This hour is sort of a blur. But I soon left to go complete the second half of my taxiing job. The gentleman was nice enough and I believe we are now friends on Facebook lol. I’m glad I did it. Not only did I have the adventure of driving out when so few others were on the roads, and in such fun wintery conditions, but I also made a friend…or at the very least met someone who has friend worthiness.

And this brings me to my problem. All day long I have been wrestling with it, weighing it, analyzing it. As humans we try to rationalize everything. We actually try to use the brains the Good Lord gave us.

Yet, it seems that spiritual teachings tell us not to think through it but feel through it. Imagine a world in which we all felt our way through our day. How different things may be.

I do try to do this – to just ‘Let Go and Let God’ as it were. I do my best to face each day as it happens and if I become unclear of which way to go I ask and see what appears to come back.

So, I have this inner torment at the moment. I have mentioned it several times, both in writing and in video you have not seen yet. I really have been wrestling with it. I am wrestling with it because what ‘feels’ right doesn’t necessarily ‘seem’ right. It certainly doesn’t seem the practical thing to do. (But then, “Nothing is as it seems.”)

I am scheduled for a job next week – leaving early on Sunday. Lord knows I could use the work. It has been a very difficult and dry period.

My problem is…I don’t think I should go. (ooh…chills.) There is just something gnawing at me telling me not to go. I don’t know why. Perhaps something happens along the way. Perhaps something greater happens here. I just don’t know.

To a certain degree it makes some sense. I am aware of the process I am going through right now. I am familiar with it. But…this one, this time, something is very different. Stronger. More intense.

I find that each day is actually kind of a struggle to keep my senses about me. Everything seems very distorted and out of whack – my energy, my perception of time, the flow of things. This is to be expected with the practice of things like the Daily Devotions and my regimen. They are very intense exercises, with very specific purpose. They elevate. They elevate our energies, our spirits, our perceptions and our senses. In a way I guess you could say my circuits are overloaded.

I’m not feeling balanced. It takes a lot to maintain focus and momentum each day. Time moves so slowly but things happen so fast.

I can feel the healing. Everything is so sensitive and tender – physically and spiritually. There are good days and there are bad days. In many ways it is like recovering from a major illness or some procedure. I had my moment. Whatever it was that triggered all of this. It worked its power and suddenly it cleansed me, purged me, healed me.

It drove out all that was wrong and set to putting things right. But this is a process. So now I am in my treatment stage, my recovery and rehabilitation. This has been precisely the manner of things for the past several weeks. Each week dedicated to introducing something new – an exercise, a task, a focus.

My life is setting itself for the year ahead.

It is because that I am familiar with this process that I am hesitant to disrupt it with something like the work trip would be. I mean, if it’s not ready to be disrupted. I’ve seen what disruptions in energy work can do to a person. And, truly, I’ve only seen it on a small scale. So, I’m not certain I wish to risk experiencing it on a larger scale.

So, that is what ‘feels’ right. Even as I write it down it brings a certain calm and restfulness to my being.

But then I think on it. I think on the implications and explanations. How would it affect me at work? What about the money? Will I be able to make it if I stay here? And in the same amount of time? How do I explain it to people?

So, I begin to rationalize. I weigh pros and cons.

But you know what, at the end of the day it just doesn’t feel right. And, I wonder if this is not where the dam begins. Is it simply by resisting the flow of a thing that we can create a sort of ‘twist in the hose.?’

I know that I need whatever is going on right now. I need it very badly…and for so many reasons. I wish I could better explain it.

It’s just, as I keep saying, I know this process. I know the power of healing. I cannot not say that I really know what is going on, but I know that it is important and intense. This is where it all went wrong before. This is what had me running for the door.

But I was different then – younger, hungrier, greedier, careless, foolish.

I can’t say I’m not those things today, well, except for younger. I’m definitely not that.

Entering the Spiritual Realm and developing a relationship with it through exercises like the daily devotions is…more than mind shattering. It’s like…reality shattering. And, it’s not for everyone.

Some days, I’m not so sure it’s for me. It is so very intense and just grows more so everyday. Yet, I feel at home in it. I feel comfortable in the experience and expression of it. More than I have felt comfortable in anything in my life. It doesn’t even matter to me anymore if people understand it, or me because of it. I am that I am. I chill and I groove…and I have a relationship with Spirit. I can’t really put better words to it than that. It’s all kind of covered in “I am that I am.”

Side note: I’ve always loved that moment in the Bible. We seem to make such a big deal over it. Oooh….God’s answer when Moses asked who he was was, “I am that I am.” He was saying that he was God the Almighty, the all-powerful. This is what I have taken from those sermons. LOL. It just always leaves me with the taste that somehow in this statement we believe that God is demonstrating and stating the greatness of himself. I think it’s all much simpler than that. It’s actually the only answer that God could give. Had he given a name, one of a thousand possible, or offered some title or description of duty then he would have also offered limitation and labels. But, God is all things and no things. In one moment he can be the glorious sunshine and in the next the refreshing and life giving rain. He can be the light in the darkness or the shadow that consumes us. He is Justice and he is Forgiveness. He is that he is. And, what he is, depends on how you approach him.

I am that I am.

I think this is an appropriate response for people as well. I wouldn’t know how to describe myself any other way. What traits do I have? Or, don’t I? I could say that I am a fair person…but not always. I could say that I am patient…but then I can be touchy if things don’t happen quick enough. No matter what I am, or tell you I can be, at some point in time I am its opposite. Even if I told you all of the horrible truths about me, inevitably, I would demonstrate a kinder, gentler nature.

I am that I am.

And, what I am depends on how you approach me.

That was an interesting little tirade. Nonetheless, I must turn in so I can rise and shine for a whole new day tomorrow.

I’m still not completely resolved about the work thing. If I were to go off of pure ‘feeling,’ absolutely I would not go. But, I still do not find myself comfortable in that rationale. So I will sleep on it tonight yet.

I spent the day looking for signs and guidance. I received some. I even have the moment on video. From an experiential approach, the guidance seemed to point to not going. But I still was not comfortable in that. I wanted something more concrete. A clearer vision, a stronger sense of knowing.

Of course, this opened the floodgates of recent Lessons, Theme and Observations.

Our is not to reason why.

Trust in the Process.

Have Faith.

Follow the feel.

Perhaps this is all part of the Death. Perhaps this hesitation is the block the card spoke of this morning. The situation definitely relates to the second card. There are pros and cons, positives and negatives, goods and bads in both situations. Neither one is necessarily better. Each is just different – with different advantages and different challenges. Neither one is a guaranteed success, nor is either doomed to chaos.

Its really just a matter of choice. It doesn’t matter which choice is made. It only matters that I am willing to accept and work with what each choice may bring. that was the second message in that card today. It’s not the power or the perception, but how you use them.

Perhaps I am not waiting for guidance that tells me to stay home. Perhaps what it is my consciousness is seeking is guidance that tells me NOT to.

So, I will sleep on it. I wish not to be rash or hasty. If I were to make the call this very moment I would not go. I would see if I could be replaced. I believe that long-term, looking through the course of the year ahead, it is the wisest choice I could make.

If I am going to have the successful year I intend to then I must be ale to manage and maintain all areas and aspects of my life. There are many. More than even I had given thought to before this process. Truth be told, at this particular moment, I do not have enough of a handle on any of them to feel comfortable in doing something else.

But, not going has its ramifications. Many of them. So, I turn it over in my head some more. I accept that I am scheduled. I accept that I should go…and that, practically speaking, I could. I am ok in it. I could work with it. I’m just not sure it’s the best move to make. When I look beyond that time I see more discomfort. Nothing clear, nothing certain. Yet, when I look down the other path, though longer and more challenging, I see light at the end. I see potential and possibility. I see peace.

So I wonder if that is what I want to see. Am I trying to convince myself into something I shouldn’t be? Do I just not want to go? Am I being lazy and irresponsible? Am I just comforting myself and making it easier to make a poor decision?

And the human condition continues as I turn it all over in my head, questioning and pontificating.

I certainly have enough information to support not going on this trip.

But I still want to hang on and see if there will be support to go.

I will sleep on it.