Dichotomous

 

Friday January 10, 2014 (9 Day; Venus)

2244 (5th Dark Hour – Moon)

It was a good day.

I certainly can’t say it was bad. I felt good all day long. I was very productive. I focused, I dedicated and, I believe, I succeeded.

As usual, the days have not been going as I intend when they begin. For as much as I am getting done, there is a great deal going by the wayside currently. I think I have given up trying to fight this process. It Is What It Is What It Is What It Is.  And, that’s all it ever is. Trying to make something else out of it is futile and infantile. I believe too often we let our sensibilities get the better of us – The Shoulds, The Coulds and The Woulds…

This is what ‘should’ be happening…

This is what I ‘would’ do…

If I ‘could’ only…

We try to force life into existence, try to control its form and breath,  instead developing our innate symbiotic relationship with it. Life is a creature of its own accord. It is the most magickal and miraculous one of all the mythical beings. It is older than time itself and will be long after many generations have come and gone. It is The Beginning and The End – The Alpha and Omega. (The Yin & The Yang, The Claus and The Clawed-One.)

It is T[he] O[ne] T[rue] S[pirit] (that is, was and ever shall be.)

It touches all of us, separately and together. It is The Tie That Binds humanity to each other and to the natural world they inhabit. It is…Divine. (In every sense of The Word.) *wink, wink*

Lately I have been trying to re-develop that relationship with T.O.T.S. I have been trying to focus more and to slow down and pay attention to what is right before me instead of worrying way ahead or woe-ing over things long past.

It has really only been three days, perhaps four. That’s how long I have been active in this passive journey. I have been focusing on doing more of what I should e doing and less of what I should not. So far, so good. But, I have been down this road before and prior failures [should, could, would] give me pause. Remembering one ‘failure’, as such, only leads to new ‘failure.’

In attempting to break this cycle of failing and flailing, I have decided to close the door on the past. I have boxed it up and put it on a shelf. I do not know what all I am leaving behind nor am I certain of what I shall find ahead. I only know it is to be different.

When the time is right I will return to the pages of the past, one chapter at a time, and revisit and recount each with the revelry and recognition it deserves.

I cannot believe how much I had really lost myself. Like, I knew I was lost. I knew that. I knew it for a long time, I just didn’t know how to get back on track. I was never sure when or where I got off track and I think that consumed me. I would play each moment, each experience, over and over again, looking for the place it all went wrong so that maybe I could fix it.

I was devoured by doubt and fear. I had come to know myself so well, only to find it had faded away somewhere.

Any amount of confidence I ever displayed in any area was fueled by fear – plain and simple. Either fear of failing and so I determine to succeed no matter what. Or, fear of not being right, not being enough, not having place nor purpose – fear of fading away for no one to notice. (Which I have actually done from time-to-time…and its quite an eye-opening experience when you realize you can be gone and not be missed.)

My greatest and most powerful fear was always fear of myself. I never wanted to come into my ‘power'.’ Perhaps that is because with great power comes great responsibility…and I don’t always do that last part so well. LMAO.

Nonetheless, whatever is going on, or has been happening (and hallow-ing), I feel good about it. I feel good about me in it…finally. I Am That I Am…and That Is All That I Am.

I may not be for everyone. I have a perception of and relationship with Life that is truly my own. It is not unique by any stretch of the imagination. But, it is not for everyone.

I missed my reading yesterday. And, today, I did it earlier and on video. So I do not want to completely re-write that experience. I feel it will take from the moment itself. However, a few things to point out and take note of -

I did the reading earlier today during the 5th Hour (The Hour of Jupiter.) I think this is interesting because 5 is the number of ‘Coming Into Being'.’ It is the Number of The Self – the center of all. This is what also makes it is a number of The Underworld – The journey between Death & Resurrection we all inevitably make. Also, the association with Jupiter, or expansion and abundance. Jupiter also shows us two sides, two faces. He is The Duality of Nature, both Just and Forgiving – Severe & Merciful, The Dark & The Light.

I did not know the hour of the day when I did the reading.

The reading was different today. I used an older deck. It’s a different type of read. The reading was also different in as much as I did a 3-Card spread (Left-Right=Whole of the Now), as opposed to my usual 2-Card spread of Inner & Outer influences.

Here is what I am taking from that reading as a whole:

The Left & The Right were very validating. Though I cannot say which cards they were at the moment (The Right was The Ace of Coins) they both confirmed or supported thoughts/statements prior.

The Whole of the Now was a little disconcerting. It was a dual-faced card much like the planet that was ruling the hour. It was Justice with her Scales and Blindness. She weighs the Sins against the Grace and the verdict is unbiased, fair, and always deserved. She was Reversed and there was a sense of Greater Redemption about her.

I did not know how to take, or interpret this at the time. (Ego and all of its fears.) Have I paid my Wages of Sin? Have I been Cleared and found Purged? Has Karma taken her natural toll? Were my sins even that bad? Bad as they may have been, were they that bad? Am I holding myself guilty as charged when I have already been paroled?

Now I find a bit more depth and clarity to it.